LOSS OF INTEREST IN SEX: “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling!”

Men often see sex as the pathway to intimacy. Women often see intimacy as the pathway to sex. Nature’s kidding us.

The little foxes are ruining the vineyards. Catch them for the grapes are all in blossom. ~ Song of Solomon 2:15

Let us throw off everything that hinders and the short-comings that so easily entangle, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ~ Hebrews 12:1

You’ve lost that loving feeling . . .

Are you or your partner losing interest in sex? A variety of physiological and psychological factors can impact your sexual drive. Exciting and rewarding sex lives have the tendency of sputtering in later years. Reasons for this are numerous and the changeis usually gradual, subtle, and at times imperceptible.

Taking each other for granted is a common shortcoming in almost any marriage. For example, after securing a love-commitment from my beloved Carol, I (Raymond became complacent and apathetic. Carol was taken for granted. My misguided reasoning was, “I’ve got her, and I don’t need to work to keep the relationship vibrant and alive.” Mastering the learning curve was daunting in order to avoid digging the hole deeper. One of my mentors provided poignant words of wisdom:

The first rule of holes: “If you are in one, stop digging.”

Couples married for a few years often discover their dream-mate at times acts like a nightmare-mate. Flaws previously ignored are now magnified beyond proportion. Remember when the wife described the husband as suave and debonair? How can this same individual now be viewed as unsophisticated and inelegant? Once she was described as glamorous and alluring. Now she is said to be unattractive and repulsive. What happened? Before marriage, each looks at the other through rose-colored glasses. After marriage, they see each other with magnifying glasses!

In Dr. Meadors’ book Differential Views of Romance the following sections are included:

Sex validates a man . . .

Sex makes a greater statement regarding the male’s sense of manhood than it does for the female’s sense of womanhood. Whether this view is nature’s design or the influence of culture is grounds for endless debate. Men are generally mesmerized and enamored by eroticism. Raymond was no different. The flare of passion validated his manhood and the spark of romance affirmed Carol’s womanhood. Man’s giving of self to woman is often self-serving, but it also confirms his ability to fulfill his wife. He places a premium on physical contact and if she is pleased through this expression, he feels personally fulfilled and validated as a valued partner in the relationship. He feels loved and accepted, both physically and emotionally.

Lovemaking is not logical . . .

Men are viewed as logical and reasoning creatures and tend to be more uncomfortable expressing feelings than women. The irrational response of men to their discomfort in expressing feelings is often emotional withdrawal or emotional distancing. For women, in particular, emotional closeness is a major ingredient in sexual desire. Some behavioral patterns in marriage find a wife pursuing emotionally and the husband distancing because of emotional awkwardness. These roles often change and the pursuer in one area becomes the distancer in another area. For example, the husband may flee from romance and intimacy, but pursue aggressively when it comes to physical and sexual drive. He is often rebuffed in this pursuit because of the wife’s hurt from his emotional absence.

Misunderstanding in each of the areas described above can lead to sexual disinterest, if not properly addressed and processed.

Sexual disinterest is destructive . . .

Loss of interest in sex is problematic because it runs opposed to the mutual sexual desire in which man and woman are psychically wired. Solving the problem of lost sexual interest requires self-inventory to understand why desire diminished. There are countless reasons for lack of sexual interest and only the individuals affected can say which one(s) personally fits.

The culprits . . .

A sex-saturated society (movies, television, videos) causes many couples to overdose on sexual stimulation. It’s been said, “The higher the glossy shine, the cheaper the grade of wood it covers.” Quality, high-grade wood doesn’t need anything to improve its beauty. The craftsman labors to preserve the natural beauty of wood. In marriage, constant exposure to the artificial makes the normal expression of sex appear to be dull, boring, and non-inspiring. Couples sometimes become dissatisfied with the real and attracted to the artificial. Since the real doesn’t measure up to the excitement of the artificial, interest in the real diminishes
Most couples bring excess baggage to the marriage and often these emotional flaws do not show up until some crisis later in life activates them. Perhaps there are hang-ups from childhood regarding sex. It is not unusual for people to grow up thinking sex is somehow wrong or dirty. Also memories of a childhood sexual assault may be sifting to the surface, even though they’ve been repressed since the time of personal violation. These memories can be a factor in lack of interest..

Unresolved relationship problems are among the most common killers of sex drive. Smoldering arguments, poor communication, and betrayal of trust can cause the sex drive to go awry. Resentments build up between spouses. Unfinished business and unresolved issues from the past accrue between couples until a real barrier is present. These explosive issues are hard to suppress unless some emotional distance is maintained. This distance may partly be maintained through lack of sexual desire. A strong sexual desire between husband and wife is extremely important in facing and handling difficulties. Couples often face severe crises which seriously threaten the survival of the marriage relationship. Yet, if the sexual relationship remains strong, they can endure the most troubling storm and in time salvage a failing marriage.

DISTORTED BODY IMAGE: Feeling sexy is hard if your self-esteem suffers from poor body image. Feeling ashamed of being too heavy (even if the perception is inaccurate) will cause your love light to dim or flicker. If your partner has these feelings, reassuring that you still find him/her sexy is really helpful. Excessive weight is linked to a lack of sexual enjoyment, desire, and difficulties with sexual performance. The reason isn’t clear, but may be linked to self-esteem, unsatisfactory relationships, social stigma, andother issues. NOTE: Exercising not only enhances self-esteem, but also elevates sex drive.

Women often go through a postpartum stage resulting in loss of sexual interest. After having children, they may no longer think of themselves as attractive, sexy, or even desirable. Some romantic sparks disappear, as energies are focused on roles of parenthood. Roles of father and mother have to be successfully resolved before a couple can resume a meaningful relationship as husband and wife romantically attracted to each other. Parenting itself doesn’t kill sex drive. However, it can be hard to find time to be intimate when the kids are demanding non-stop attention. With parenthood, terms of relational endearment are often Mom and Dad rather than sweetheart and darling. Some couples never seem to readjust to a lover’s comfort zone after children are brought into the family system.

Women are constantly faced with demands from many sources to make adjustments. They only have so much energy to meet the demands before the pressures intrude on other areas of life. Demands may arise from multi-roles served as mother, lover, friend, employee, caregiver, and homemaker. Often women concentrate energy in these areas and have little energy left to enjoy other pleasures that are vital for relational enrichment.

Fear of intimacy sometimes builds walls of defense and lessens sexual drive. This is particularly true if one has been hurt in a relationship and the trust level shattered. Intimacy requires trust, which implies the presence of an element of vulnerability. It says, “My heart is yours. I trust you. You have the power to nurture my heart or trample on it.” This is risky for someone struggling to trust again. Sex without intimacy neutralizes sex-drive. If your sex life is in neutral, try spending more non-sexual intimate time together—alone. Talk,snuggle, trade massages or give oil rub-downs. At times, it is important to express affection without the pressure of having sex. As intimacy builds, so does sex drive.

Other culprits to consider include, stress, alcohol and drugs, medications (e.g., antidepressants, blood pressure medications, antihistamines, chemotherapy), depression, sleep deprivation, menopause, andropause (male menopause), and low testosterone levels.

Recommendations . . .

Couples often become disappointed in lovemaking when it lacks the lust and excitement of their early years. However, the passion that wife and husband feel during the honeymoon stage of marriage can’t be expected to last for decades. Just because something is different, doesn’t mean it can’t be better. Re-romanticize your relationship by thinking back to what turned each of you on sexually when you first met. What clothes did you wear? What fragrances were scintillating? Get dressed up when you go out for dinner and ‘Make it feel special.’

Since the past is a large part of the relationship between any couple, resentments from past situations may be present. Couples are encouraged to talk about feelings, positive and negative. This may include feelings over losses and even unhappiness with present quality of life. Possible legitimate concerns may be raised regarding some areas one or the other has failed to respond.

Moving through the cycles of life, people are forced to make changes or they will struggle to survive. The childrearing stage becomes the child-launching stage. Empty nest is just around the corner. Parents of mid-lifers are aging and many may have already died. Significant losses in life are accompanied by depression and depression consumes enormous amounts of energy.

Change required for events in the life cycle will also affect attitudes toward relationships. How a person feels about growing older may have as much to say about loss of interest in sex as anything else. However, decline in sexual interest is not the natural consequence of growing old. Sexual decline is not inevitable, yet if believed strongly enough, it can be self-fulfilling prophecy. That is, believed strongly, it actually comes to pass.

“Growing old is magnificent as along as one remains young while doing it.” How old would you be if you did not know how old you were?

Word to the Wise: Relationships that are fun, exciting, affectionate, and enjoyable require a lot of hard work. Yet, it doesn’t cost to build a great relationship. It costs when we fail to build a great relationship. People don’t plan to fail, they fail to plan. Plan some fun times together on a regular basis.