PARABLE OF THE ‘HEDGEHOG’ AND THE ‘FOX’ ~ Which One Are You?

PARABLE: a short allegorical story (figurative treatment of one subject under the guise of another) that conveys a meaning by the use of comparison or analogy—it makes a religious, moral, or ethical point.

When was the last time you were asked to consider this comparative question? Are you a hedgehog or a fox? Probably never! However, it’s an important question to answer because the hedgehog and fox characterize the dilemmas, challenges, and problems that recur frequently in marriage relationships.

British philosopher Isaiah Berlin wrote an essay The Hedgehog and the Fox, which was based on an ancient Greek parable. The itle is a reference to a fragment attributed to an ancient Greek poet: “the ox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing.” Berlin escribed how different people approach problems differently. While Berlin expanded upon the idea to divide writers and thinkers into two categories, I invoke “literary privilege” to apply it to other areas, especially marriage. Some marriage partners are like foxes—they know many things, thus reacting to marital issues with different strategies and different solutions. Others’ are like hedgehogs—they know one simple but powerful response to threats. This “one simple but powerful response” is soon to be revealed in this BLOG.

Foxes are clever animals and concoct numerous schemes for attacking hedgehogs. Every day foxes have one brilliant scheme after another to conquer their prey.

However, even though hedgehogs are among the slowest of creatures, their defense is the same, no matter the multiplicity of ways foxes attack. Every day a single fox anticipates subduing and conquering the hedgehog. But every day, no matter what the fox’s manner of approach, no matter from what angle he strikes, and no matter the time of day, as soon as the hedgehog discerns an impending attach, she is quite amused, but non-threatened by the fox’s cleverness. Hedgehogs proceed to roll up into a tiny ball, while protruding sharp spikes, thus spoiling the fox’s best conceived plans. The fox, for all his cunning, is defeated by the hedgehog’s one defense. The hedgehog’s “trick” is superior to the fox’s many tricks.

Are you a fox?

Berlin explained that some people (foxes) see the world in all its snafus [pronounced sna-foo: Snafu started life as an acronym of “situation normal, all fouled up.”] and entanglements. Their approach changes constantly depending on the circumstances, but they seldom develop a consistent approach that is tried, tested, and proven.

Are you a hedgehog?

Other people (hedgehogs) reduce the complexities of life into one assumption—one basic idea that is consistent and one that determines their responses to challenges, regardless of the ‘highs and lows’ that accompany marriage or community living. Hedgehogs are not short-changed when it comes to mental acuteness, for their understanding of the world is simple but profound. In other words, they’re able to identify the most fundamental components for longevity—thus, hedgehogs are simple but not simplistic.

TAKE-HOME LESSON FOR MARRIAGE

Couples face dilemmas, challenges, and problems in marriage, but there’s no need for a unique or exclusive solution for each new problem that surfaces. Maybe the greatest solution is to think like a hedgehog and not a fox—for a hedgehog, the solution is always the same.

Self-help books are enthralling with unique solutions for different problems, including a book written twenty years ago by me: Solution-focused Marriage: Practical Solutions for Marital Dilemmas. It makes for interesting reading, but unlike Alec Baldwin and Dianne Keaton’s movie It’s Complicated, it doesn’t have to be that complicated. The conclusive answer to every problem is the same ~ LOVE. Disappointed with this simplicity? But it is true! Love, not problem-solving, is the foundation of marriage and will galvanize it against assault from both without and within. It will result in positive outcomes of epic proportions.

Remember when you fell in love? Problems were virtually non-existent because love “conquered all.” The flirtatious smiles, the furrowed lips or raised eye brows were cute and irresistible. Then the cute things became annoying. Why? Falling in love was only the beginning—it provided no assurance that the intoxicating qualities of “falling in love” would sustain ecstatic emotions once the glow of honeymoon dimmed and life confirmed that “living is not always easy.” Dr. Karl Menninger suggested that “one does not fall in love; one grows into love, and love grows in him or her.” The constant solution to dealing with marital issues is to grow into the highest level of love—agape—love unlimited. Growing into love requires developing relationship habits that slowly but surely builds unshakeable foundations for marriage.

Couples often become ensnared in the negativism of problem-solving and conflict-resolution. This isn’t cheerful and delightful and seldom does it produce happiness and joy. Maybe the compelling question in marriage is not “how do we problem solve”—it may be “how do we grow into love?” Problems may seem perplexing, but complex solutions may be simplified more than first thought.

Problem-solving, conflict-resolution, and communication-skills-building can lead to minimal changes in marriage. However, if magnanimous change is the goal, new patterns of relational habits must be implemented—especially for couples experiencing marital distress. LOVE must be fostered and cultivated in order for notable growth to occur.

Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart, and the senses. ~ Lao Tzu

Simply stated, agape love (thoroughly explored in my book Differential Views of Romance: Learning to See Eye-to-Eye ~ www.lifefocus.org) is the constant, single solution to marital dilemmas. Often when one spouse or the other says, “I just don’t love you anymore,” they are actually saying, “I love me more than I love you.” This is the antithesis (exact opposite) of agape love. Convincing arguments could be formulated that identifies all marital problems as emanating from a lack of love. If this is true, you don’t need a solution—you need more love.

Agape is a selfless, altruistic kind of love. Agape lovers are willing to make all manner of sacrifices for their partner, never expecting anything in return. ~ Louis Janda, Ph.D.

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. ~ Karl A. Menninger

New patterns of relational habits can transform a heart that is “waxed cold” to one that is pulsating with the unforced rhythm of agape love.

Which do you identify with—the hedgehog or the fox? Maybe you identify with a little of both. Once deciding, consider if your model for addressing relational issues is working for the mutual benefit of both you and your mate. Is there something you can draw from the hedgehog style that will enhance your relationship. Look for my next BLOG that will focus on the Love Bank and explain how to grow love within your relationship. People are essentially human ATMs. Don’t try to make withdrawals without making substantial deposits.