In physics the term observer effect refers to changes that the act of observation will make on the phenomenon being observed. One of the most bizarre premises of quantum theory, which has long fascinated philosophers and physicists alike, states that by the very act of watching, the observer affects the observed reality—the greater the amount of “watching,” the greater the observer’s influence on what actually takes place.

John Wheeler, professor emeritus at Princeton University says that we are not objective observers and neutral onlookers of things occurring throughout our lives—we’re subjective influences. In other words, our presence changes what we observe. For example, if you want to measure the temperature in a small room, you bring a thermometer into the room and attempt to record a reading. However, alas your body temperature is 98.6 degrees. Thus, your presence in the room changes the reading you get. In other words, as long as you are there, things are altered.

This applies to relationships, as well. There is no separateness . . . we all are a part of each other. We have an affect, positive or negative, on each other and the reality of our lives is “we are what we see.”

If we are what we see, then from what perspective are you looking at relationships and life in general?

A man once came to a town and asked the local wise and judicious sage, “I’m thinking about moving here. What kinds of people live here?”

The sage asked the man, “What kinds of people live in the town you came from?”

“Where I’m from the people are liars, cheaters, and mean-spirited,” the man responded.

“The people are the same here,” said the sage.

Then another man came to town and asked the sage the same question, “I’m thinking about moving here. What kinds of people live here?”

The sage asked the man, “What kinds of people live in the town you came from?”

“Where I’m from the people are wonderful, kind, and courteous,” the man responded. “The people are the same here,” said the sage.

MORAL OF STORY: People are not as you see them . . . people are as you are. Another way of saying this is “what you see in them is what you see in you.”

The key to life enhancement is not finding the right people to surround yourself with, but it’s you becoming the right person to bring enhancement to the lives of others. Our relationships are not simply a function of who we pick . . . they’re also a function of who we are. Who we are and who others’ are mixes to form the dynamics of mutually rewarding relationships.

Take-home lesson . . .

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. ~ Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

You want others to change and yes, maybe the relationship would be improved if they did, but you changing can have a greater impact than the change you want to see in others. If you change, then everything around you changes too. And it has to be more than change . . . change itself is not enough . . . you have to make the right changes.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” ~ Mahatma Ghandi

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

ray@lifefocus.org

www.lifefocus.org

“Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.” ~ Mark Twain ~

HUBRIS: [hoo-bris]. Hubris (adjective form is hubristic) means excessive and overbearing pride; presumption; arrogance. It is also an excess of ambition, ultimately causing the transgressor’s ruin. Hubris often indicates a loss of contact with reality and an overestimation of one’s own competence or capabilities, especially when the person exhibiting it is in a position of power. Hubris is often referred to as “intoxication of power.”

Be Wary Of Hubris

Homer’s Iliad describes that Ajax the Lesser was a diminutive man who moved hastily and also possessed prowess with a spear. He fought bravely and chivalrously in the Trojan War, leading eventually to celebrating the “spoils of victory.” This stupendous celebration included the misguided decision to drag Cassandra, the daughter of King Priam of Troy, away from the temple of the goddess Athena and sexually assaulting her.

This hideous act roused Athena’s wrath, and she was driven to shipwreck Ajax and his fleet during their passage back home. However, Ajax had the fortuitous luck of being safeguarded by Poseidon, the sea god. Yet, instead of extending gratitude and appreciation to Poseidon, Ajax flaunted his self-proclaimed invincibility—the hallmark of hubris. With obnoxious arrogance, Ajax declared personal victory against the will of a goddess, which in itself was unabated hubris. Poseidon reacted by drowning him. Not a good decision on Ajax’s part!

Hubris is a heinous crime, because uninhibited arrogance leads to irrational acts, ultimately having a huge negative impact, not only on the presumptuous one guilty of it, but also the whole of humankind. It happens on all economic levels and in all social stratums of society. When one’s EGO (Dr. Wayne Dyer refers to this as “Edging God Out”) is without restraint and is unaccountable, he or she becomes susceptible to the seductive enticement of hubris.

Hubris poses as great a danger today as in the Homeric era. It still holds the power to undermine individuals and nations, at large. The veracity of this statement is validated in present-day sectors, where individuals of religion, corporate world, politics, Hollywood, and sporting enterprises encounter compromising moments that anesthetize individual consciousness. Entire nations, cultures, and societies can be guilty of hubris, undermining collective consciousness, as well. Without naming-names, numerous individuals (political figures, corporate executives, and religious leaders) and nations-at-large (pick any Superpower) often wilt under the tyranny of hubris (fiscal corruption, moral failures, ethical improprieties, maneuvers of deception, exploitative behaviors; imperialism, proselytizing). These individual and collective entities may have succeeded enormously at first, only to eventually succumb to the absurdity of contemptible pride, followed by catastrophic failure, and then ultimate fall from grace.

How does hubris draw out such immense devastation? Perhaps the interpretation is stumbled upon in an old mathematical idea called the “gambler’s ruin.” It predicts that gamblers who raise bets when winning, but don’t lower them when losing, will eventually go broke, even if the odds on each bet are in their favor. A belief in one’s own invincibility sets in motion a feedback loop that reinforces warped logic—but it is a distortion that can’t overcome the laws of probability.

People can get such an inflated view of their perceived abilities that they become exposed to terrible danger by overlooking the evident risk in situations. Dr. Mark Button, Associate Professor at the University of Utah, suggests that their false sense of invulnerability also leads to a kind of self-imprisonment, as the truly hubristic person ignores every opportunity for moral counsel and shared judgment. With no meaningful dialogue and listening, the mightiest man must mightily fall.

The intention of this BLOG is not to level personal judgment against anyone or anything! Dr. Meadors is just wondering . . . does pride come before a fall? If so, take heed when you think you stand, lest you fall. The antidote for hubris is humility and gratitude.

A humble spirit, a sorrowful and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. ~ Psalm 51:17

In every circumstance of life, be thankful . . . in everything give thanks. ~ I Thessalonians 5:18

Dr. Raymond E. Meadors

Licensed Psychologist

ray@lifefocus.org

www.lifefocus.org

Often the funeral service is a time of mourning because of obscure or disputable conditions surrounding the life of the deceased. For others, the service is a time of joy and jubilation because of the exemplary life lived by the one lying in state. By acclamation (that means a unanimous oral vote), this service today is dedicated as a time of cheerfulness and triumph. For, we are not talking about just anyone—we are talking about a beloved family member, friend, and role model to all, Jo Ann Crawford, who was a living embodiment of the all-encompassing love of the God she represented with great dignity, humility, and grace.

Jo Ann is now transitioned to a higher heavenly realm that is totally incomprehensible to those of us remaining in this temporal realm of time and space. Our understanding, awareness, and spiritual insight about the eternality of one’s existence are so limited and veiled. Assuredly, Jo Ann now “knows as she was known by God,” no longer looking through a darkened glass. She would say to us today, “I was not a human being having a spiritual experience, but I was a spiritual being having a human experience.” It was a human experience that spanned 79 years on planet earth—she made 79 trips around the sun—Jo Ann traveled a lot of miles. She realizes now that she is first and foremost a spiritual being (always was and always will be)—a spiritual being that has no beginning and a spiritual being that has no ending.

Before gracing this planet for these eight decades, Jo Ann enjoyed the bliss of endearing residency in the heart of God and now she has returned to that place of endearment and is a part of the “great cloud of witnesses” that is cheering us on and imploring us to “finish strong,” before reuniting with her and all the other loved ones that preceded us in this transition.

The Apostle Paul said,

For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. O, death where is thy sting? O, grave where is thy victory? ~ I Corinthians 15: 50

Paul also declared:

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? For in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, or principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~ Romans 8:35-39

EULOGY

Ten years ago I stood on this same platform to eulogize my dear friend Billy L. Crawford. I said that Billy Boy’s spiritual virtues were well-documented and well-known by all, so I chose to focus on the practical aspect of Billy and my 30-year friendship. Today I want to talk about my sweet friend of 40 years, Jo Ann Bullock Crawford. Jo Ann’s spiritual virtues, like those of Billy, are well-documented and well-known by all, so I choose to focus on the practical aspect of Jo Ann and my 40-year friendship. In some respects, this is much more difficult for me now than it was 10 years ago. How can this be since I love both of them equally—maybe much of this has to do with the yet-to-be announced expiration of my own mortality . . . we don’t know what tomorrow holds for any of us, do we? But, we know who holds tomorrow and we know who holds our hand! Reassuring, isn’t it?

Jo Ann assumed a title of respect from Carol and me that was attributed to none other. Jo Ann was Lady #1. Carol and I are nearing our 40^th year of marriage (the same number of years we’ve known Jo Ann) and on many occasions, I attempted to establish Carol as Lady #1 and Jo Ann Lady #2, but Carol would have none of it. She insisted there could only be one Lady #1 and it was Jo Ann. Case closed. Since that agreement many, many years ago, letters and cards were addressed to and signed by either Lady #1 or Lady #2. Jo Ann grew quite comfortable with this designation and she often reminded Carol that she (Carol) was Lady #2.

Carol and I traveled with Bill and Jo Ann in all sectors of these United States, from Phoenix, Vegas, and Denver in the West to stretches of the eastern seaboard, from New York to Florida and every state in between. And then, there were all the visits in mid-America: Missouri, Arkansas, Tennessee, Illinois, Ohio, and Kentucky. Jo Ann often reminded us that she never recorded our address with pen, only with pencil. “We’ve lived everywhere, man.” But, of all the places we’ve ever lived, our children found their “happy place” at Bill and Jo Ann’s antebellum-like home at 757 Amarillo Street, Abilene, Texas.

Our daughter, Shannon, who lives in Philadelphia, wrote “Sister” Jo Ann, and she stated, in part:

It goes without saying how important you and Bro. Bill have always been in our lives. I’m not sure if you know just how deeply you are embedded in who I am all these years later as I approach age 40! Your home in Abilene and the love and comfort and security I felt there have been a constant. The place I return to over and over in my dreams is your house—it was our “Happy Place.”

Life goes by so quickly and we, understandably, get invested in our growing families and careers and activities. Only certain people that were important to us at an earlier stage maintain that level of importance through our whole lives, but I hope you know that you ALWAYS have in mine. It seems that, all these years later, you are still my Happy Place, Sister Jo Ann. I love you.

I know that many of you would say “ditto,” that applies to me, as well.

Carol and I will forever treasure our visit with Jo Ann and her dear friend Betty Allison in Vegas one year ago—we thought that would likely be our last time to see her. But, in recent times we were blessed with the opportunity to visit again with our sweet Jo Ann in the comfort of her warm and inviting home in Farmersville. This gave us one last opportunity to touch, to feel, to embrace, and to look directly into the loving eyes of our sweet, sweet friend. Even in her weakened condition, she remained the same Jo Ann—loving, of course, but also witty, comical, and ready to spar with quick retort and mental acuity. These faculties remained polished and refined right up until the last few days preceding her ultimate life transition.

Walter Scott, a writer, once questioned: Death—is it the last sleep? No, [he surmised, not the last sleep, but] the final awakening.

John Oxenham said, “For death begins with life’s first breath. And life begins at touch of death.”

WOW, Live on Lady Crawford, Live on!

My lover spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.” ~ Song of Solomon 2:10

In conclusion, I want to address Lady #1:

Sweet darling, you realize that you’ve left a huge hole in each of our hearts, but we will see you again, our sweet one. But from now until then, rest in peace and enjoy the dance of romance with your beloved Billy L and your Lord and Savior whom you served passionately during this earthly sojourn. It was worth it all, wasn’t it Lady #1, when you heard the loving and tender words, “Well done, thy good and faithful servant! Enter now into the presence of the Lord forever.” I love you, my sweet Lady #1.

Let us pray:

As glorious as this life was for Jo Ann and for those of us who had the privilege to know and love her on a personal level, it pales in comparison to the brilliance and splendor of the glory she is now experiencing—Jo Ann has ascended from “a lesser glory to a greater glory.” She transitioned knowing that she made this planet a better place than when she first arrived—her love made a difference in thousands of lives. We are grateful for this beautiful soul who brought the love of heaven with her 79 years ago and left that love with us as she returned to the heart of God, where there is endless and boundless love.

We commit to honoring the faith that Jo Ann modeled for us, that we too may hear the loving and tender words, “Well done, thy good and faithful servant! Enter now into the presence of the Lord forever.” Amen.

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

ray@lifefocus.org

www.lifefocus.org

Information communication is often confused with personal communication.

In a marriage you’ve got to hear each other. And I don’t mean hear the sounds of each other’s words. You’ve got to be able to hear the silence between the sounds and interpret the unspoken meaning of pressed lips or teary eyes. You’ve got to be able to hear the shapes and sounds in each other’s heart. ~ Mort Fertel

John Powell in Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? lists five levels of communication:  Cliche, Fact, Opinion, Emotion, and Transparency.

1. Cliché or Elevator Talk. These people speak but share nothing. “Hello, how are you?” “Hot, isn’t it?”

2. Facts. What you know is shared, but little more than that. Nothing of self is exposed.  Reports what so-and-so did.

3. Shared Opinion. In this level, we reveal what we think and how we think. Ideas and judgments about things are shared.

4.  Sharing Emotions and Feelings. This is “gut level” communication.

5. Transparency. Being completely open and sharing the real you from the heart. This level requires deep level of trust, commitment, and friendship.

Lack of communication does not mean not talking about anything—it means not talking about anything that matters.

Chit-chat or communication . . .

After a few sessions with Jeremy and Sarah, it became apparent to me that their level of conversation seldom went beyond surface talk. Upon reviewing the Powell list, they awakened to reality. Sarah and Jeremy related to each other more as casual acquaintances than wife husband. Fear prevented them from lowering guards and opening up to share deep, inner feelings. They enjoy spending time together, but seldom talk about things other than normal daily events.

Jeremy and Sandra communicate occasionally at level three, but they usually remain at level one or two. The decision to improve communication was made because they knew if connection was not made on a more personal level, their marriage would lack fulfillment and joy. Their situation describes many marriage relationships. After a period of time, it is easy for marriages to become victims of habit. They are habit-driven because couples get into the routine of saying the same things to each other day after day, month after month, and year after year. They do not advance up Powell’s communication scale. Shallow questions are asked such as, “How are you doing? Do you want to go out to eat? Did you feed the dog?” Obvious, patent answers are provided such as, “I’m doing O.K. Whatever you want to do. Yes, I did.”

Most things talked about by couples during the course of the day do not give much new information about each other. Chit-chat is helpful, but it does not build intimacy in a relationship. Building intimacy requires not only information exchange, but shared ideas, thoughts, experiences, and personal interests, as well. Communication must move beyond surface talk which states only facts. Polly the parrot can do this. Without a deep level of sharing, marriage partners will not get close and experience intimacy.

It is not unusual for couples to be married 10 to 15 to 20 years, yet know very little about each other. This is an age of communication, but too often these skills are missing in marriage. Purposeful steps of action can be taken to reverse this disturbing trend. God’s most powerful creative acts are the result of the spoken word. God is the master of communication. Humans are made in the image and likeness of God and are gifted with the ability to communicate. Great relationships are created when couples engage in meaningful conversation with each other.

Words are powerful  . . .

Words are creative and words are powerful. We are snared by words that come from our mouths ~ Proverbs 6:2. On the other hand, words can be positive transformers. They transform boring relationships and relationships that lack imagination. Words infuse relationships with creativity, so how about becoming an accomplished Wordsmith.

Sharing life’s experiences is helpful . . .

 Even when communication is considered excellent in a marriage, husbands and wives often find it difficult to sit down and ask one or the other to describe early childhood in full detail. Do you know your mate’s hopes and dreams? They have plenty. Do you know what these hopes and dreams are?

Couples can make the choice to become intimately acquainted with each other. If I want to see improvement in Carol and my relationship, I should share thoughts and feelings from past experiences that I’ve not felt free to discuss before. It seems risky, but it allows her to know more things about me. Improvement in the quality of marriage is the result. Carol is then encouraged to share things about childhood I never bothered to ask about. When I take the time to understand more of Carol’s family background, it gives me a greater appreciation for what she has overcome to become the gifted individual she is today. In order to get the total scope of her message, I need to hear what her heart, as well as her mouth, is expressing about past experiences. We do not know who a person is until we understand where he/she has been.

Communication lead-ins . . .

The following lead-in questions will be helpful in getting the conversation underway:

 What were you like as a little boy/girl? What was your happiest time in life? Saddest? What was the funniest thing that ever happened to you? What were the best/worst things that ever happened to you?

 Wonderful things happen when couples find out all there is to know about each phase of their spouse’s life. Old photo albums are ideal for couples struggling to gather information from the past. Each person can describe their childhood as they review old photographs together.

The past is important but bringing up topics about the future is equally important. This opens a new door of commun­ication and closeness.

What are your hopes and dreams? What do you want to have? To be? To do?

What do we want to be doing five years from now? And ten years from now?

What do we want our children to be in the future? What do we want our harvest years to look like?

The time of sharing is enriched when a personal commitment is made to be a good listener and to cheerfully respond to each other. We would be better communicators if we did not talk so much. This attitude encourages both parties to open up and share more of self. Equal time should be spent on talking about the negative and positive things that have happened. Couples are quick to communicate about negative experiences, but spend little time focusing on positive experiences. Communicating in this manner may seem awkward at first, but practicing it patiently will bring rewards that otherwise might not come to pass.

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

ray@lifefocus.org

www.lifefocus.org

Superiority complex is a psychological defense mechanism in which a person’s feelings of superiority counter or conceal his or her feelings of inferiority.Rachel and Jerry have been married for three years, and to this point, it has been a nightmare experience for her. They are doing extremely well as a couple, but maintaining a relationship with Jerry’s mother (Jennifer) has been an impossible task. Jennifer is attractive, wears the best fashion designs, and has plenty of money to support her lifestyle.

However, she feels she is superior to everyone else and looks down on anyone who is different than her. Rachel is no exception because Jennifer tries to control and dominate her by putting her down, as well. When Rachel attempts to offer a differing opinion on something, Jennifer gets angry and upset with her. It has become a difficult situation and Rachel is trying desperately to tolerate, if not understand, this type of behavior. She is honestly inquiring, “How can I get along with my mother‑in‑law?”

The question is often asked, “How should I respond to a person with obnoxious and repulsive attitudes and behaviors?” When dealing with people such as Jennifer, numerous words describe the behaviors: narcissistic, haughty, overbearing, inflated, artificial, snobbish, egocentric, or self‑centered. People like this are full of pride and conceit. Conceit has been described as a rare disease—“it makes everyone sick except the one who has it.”

But in reality, a person who is conceited or prideful is probably battling low self‑esteem. To compensate for this, they try to promote and flaunt their false self (ego), while putting others down. If they can succeed in putting others down, it makes them feel more significant and important. Yet, under the surface, they feel very insignificant and inadequate.

Conceited people have a problem acknowledging their imperfections. They become defensive of any flaw and will try their best to minimize its presence. Imperfection is too threatening and is unacceptable. Self‑centered people have little regard for the feelings of others. Their only interest is being the center of attention, so that their vain self‑image can be fed.

Most of us are guilty of exaggerating our importance at one time or another. The Bible recognizes this and admonishes to not think of self more highly than we ought ~ Romans 12:3.  Pride has the tendency of getting in the way from time-to-time. We have certain expectations and may be unaware of our own self‑centeredness when we express what we want from others.

Unfortunately, many times pride, arrogance, and conceit are values unique to the American culture. Society endorses the value that goes along with wealth, social status, physical attractiveness, and intelligence. Likewise, this supports the arrogance and pride that goes along with possessing these attributes.

Prideful people have a feeling of special privilege, especially if they possess wealth, social status, power, etc. They think their success is only because they are more deserving than others. Along with this, they expect special recognition and treatment—a sense of entitlement, in other words.

Alfred Adler, founder of the school of individual psychology, said: “The superiority complex is one of the ways which a person with an inferiority complex may use as a method of escape from personal difficulties. He or she assumes superiority when it is not present, and this false success compensates for the state of inferiority which they cannot bear.”

The normal person does not have a superiority complex; they don’t even have a sense of superiority. They are striving to be superior in the sense that we all have ambition to be successful, but it does not lead to false valuations, which are at the root of mental disease. Real and genuine people do a better job keeping a proper perspective on getting ahead in life. They see their gain as a gift (privilege) and not a right. They neither see themselves as “better or worse” than anyone else, because each person’s success is determined in part by events over which they have no control. They adopt the attitude, “I am no better than anyone else—I am simply better than I used to be!” These people are humble and express gratitude and thankfulness for the things they have been blessed with.

Jennifer’s thinking is a short‑lived illusion. Those things that are feeding her pride are temporary and fleeting. Physical beauty, fashions, and wealth are only with us for a season. They begin to disappear quickly. Outward beauty diminishes with age. Status remains only until it is time for another to take over. Later, if not sooner, Jennifer will have to face her own mortality. Her wealth serves only until she takes her last breath. Life is no respecter of persons and it eventually deals us all some pain, sickness, disappointment, and sorrow.

There are certain realities Rachel can face in dealing with Jennifer:

• Rachel’s description of Jennifer is correct. Arrogant and conceited people are difficult, if not impossible, to live with. Rachel knows that confronting this type person usually increases their attempt to exercise controlling and abusive behaviors.

• Rachel should realize that Jennifer’s reactions are consistent with people who manifest these types of behaviors. They follow a predictable pattern: (a) disregard for the feelings of others, (b) feeling of entitlement (others should cater to them or they will be highly offended and angered if they do not) and, (c) failure to show sincere interest in other people.

• Arrogant people are highly protective of other people invading their facade of perfection. They are wounded by the criticisms of other people because it threatens their flawed self‑image. When Rachel attempts to disagree with Jennifer or to offer a differing opinion, she views it as criticism and reacts harshly.

• When Rachel finds it necessary to address the issue on a more serious level, it can be done in a way that Jennifer feels she is not being attacked. Rachel can state her feelings without it coming across as biting judgment. It is important to balance issues that are addressed with positive comments for Jennifer. She can comment on positive ways Jennifer has handled certain situations.

• Rachel is likely to experience an over‑reaction from Jennifer, but it is important for her to not personalize this. It is not a personal thing—it is an issue of mother-in-law’s lack of self‑esteem. She is uncomfortable with confrontation because it focuses on a weak area of her life.

• It might sound fatalistic, but Rachel has to consider the possibility that behaviors like these do not normally change. If they do, it will be beyond Rachel’s power to change, anyway. Self‑centered people have a great need to be the focus of attention. Usually the only things that change behaviors this deeply entrenched are as follows: (1) Newfound experience of spiritual consciousness/awareness, which is likened to supernatural enlightenment, (2) a Significant Emotional Event (SEE) such as a catastrophic loss (health, loss of job, loss of fortune) or tragedy of some sort (loss of loved one, serious physical injury), or perhaps (3) a Near Death Experience. These experiences have the potential of instilling humbleness and humility in “high-minded individuals.” They “hit a wall” and this often transforms arrogance to a perspective of gratitude and graciousness.

Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. ~ Philippians 2:4

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ~ Colossians 3:2

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

ray@lifefocus.org

www.lifefocus.org

Your marriage situation may be problematic and then, again, maybe it’s not. Perhaps the problem isn’t overly complicated, but rather you’re guilty of analysis overkill—thus, the title of this BLOG—Analysis Paralysis. Men are particularly guilty of analysis satiation (to supply with anything to excess, so as to disgust or weary) because this seems to be what comes most naturally for them.

The following is a classic example of “analysis paralysis” taken from my eBook ~ AGING PARENT: Dealing with the Anguish of ‘Death and Dying.’

Man’s logical reasoning . . .

Men are notorious for logically disarming the wife’s need to process grief and pain. Man’s tendency is often to take on a lawyer role and “logic his wife to death.” Raymond had strong logical arguments for not visiting Mary, except when absolutely necessary. “Why, Carol, you know Mom. She pulverizes us and makes life miserable. The pleasure of visiting with her is not worth the pain with which we often leave. So it is her problem and not yours or mine.” Carol knew in her head this was basically true, but in her heart, she had difficulty reconciling these actions and attitudes over the years. She dealt with the pain of “what could have been” and “what should have been.”

Carol blurted out, “I cannot believe it. A special day has come and gone and I did not send Mom a gift.” Raymond replied, “Oh, do not worry about it, Carol. Send it today or tomorrow. Valentine’s Day is no different to her than Canada’s Independence Day.” This was the wrong response, though it was a logical explanation for the pervasive dementia that eroded memory banks. In reality, it did not matter if she got a gift on February fourteenth or March third, but to Carol it meant everything. Feelings that she neglected Mary could’ve been understood and validated by Raymond—had he not been mesmerized by logic and analysis. A golden opportunity to “think outside the box” was forfeited and the default setting for analysis was tripped instead.

The solution should have been simple, were it not for over-analysis. BOTTOM LINE: Carol needed my shoulder (emotional support) and not my head (logical explanations).

Stop for a minute to consider the possibility that the complication in your marriage is the way you’re analyzing it. Often we find a solution to a problem and wonder why it took so long to arrive at a positive outcome. It turns out that the problem was simple to begin with, but we were guilty of “majoring in minors.”

Objective input from others is valuable. The value of these resources isn’t the information they offer, but the perspective they provide. The value is not their solution, but the introduction of new ways of viewing problems—differing perspectives, in other words. Once embracing a different perspective, the solution is often easy to achieve.

Couples usually flourish in their relationship when they are capable of becoming creative or, again, “thinking outside the box.” Case in point: Using only one line, can you make a 6 out of the symbol “IX.”

Try it? Did you get it? Research shows that if you don’t get it in the first few moments, then you probably won’t get it at all. Why? Because from the moment you attempted to solve the problem, you established a paradigm, which is a particular way of looking at the problem. If the right paradigm is adopted, it is easy and the problem is solved within minutes. But if you adopted the wrong paradigm, no amount of analysis or logic leads to the correct answer.

Take home lesson: If you’re looking at the problem wrongly, failure is imminent. If you see it correctly, success is likewise imminent.

Okay, making a 6 out of the symbol “IX” using only one line is simple enough, but not if we overlook the obvious. Here’s the answer: SIX.

Couples usually don’t fail because of lack of effort. They often fail because they’ve adopted the wrong paradigm. If marriage is not viewed in the proper light, success is not likely; rather it is doomed to fail. No amount of effort will change this dynamic However, a different perspective generates a different result—we don’t continue doing the same thing, while expecting a different result. If the right perspective is adopted, improving the quality of marriage relationships is as simple as placing an “S” in front of “IX” to make “SIX.”

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

ray@lifefocus.org

www.lifefocus.org

Every thought has a frequency that can be measured—thinking a thought over and over emits at that frequency. Thoughts send out magnetic signals that draw parallel back to the sender of the thoughts. The larger a thought grows, the more power it draws unto it and the more certain an individual is to receive the experience.

What are the thoughts that upset and disturb? If small things have the power to disturb, then who you think you are is exactly that: SMALL. What are the small things? Ultimately, all things are small because all things are transient. ~ Eckhart Tolle

It’s not having self-defeating thoughts that makes one defeated—one must continue obsessing about them to be defeated. Self-defeating thoughts are empowered and magnified when accompanied by strong feelings and emotions. However, all thoughts don’t become true instantly. There is a time delay. Time delays serve by allowing time to re-assess, think about what is wanted, and making new choices. This eliminates a sense of worry.

There is not positive energy and negative energy, but it is all energy vibrating differently. What we call positive energy is high vibration. What we call negative energy is low vibration.

Whatever thought has done in life, it can be undone by a shift in awareness. It is proven scientifically that affirmative thoughts are hundreds of times more powerful than negative thoughts—thus, let the shift begin!

Are you ready? It’s time  . . . the SHIFT is about to hit the fan!

TODAY’S FUNNY: Did you ever stop to think and forgot to start again?

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

ray@lifefocus.org

www.lifefocus.org

IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE THE WORLD THROUGH MY EYES . . .

Carol and I recently settled in the great room for a time of relaxation and reflection. Spontaneously, we peered at a distant wide-framed window as the sun beamed through with full magnification and illumination. We were seated in areas that provided different perspectives of the sun’s rays permeating the room. Carol commented on the undisturbed radiance and brilliance of the sunlit room, while I, from my perspective, was amazed at the disturbance of “dust particles” floating in front of the window on this sunny day. I mused, “Isn’t this the same area that was the recent beneficiary of a thorough deep-cleaning?” Rising to my feet, I shuffled to a different location, only a few feet from my original point of observation. This placed me in close proximity to where Carol was seated. The dust particles were no longer visible—this experience was a satori (instant awakening) moment and one that was bustling with multiple meanings. Isn’t it interesting that if vantage points are changed ever so slightly, the dust particles are visible no longer. One second they are there, the next second they are not. It depends on the angle assumed while looking at the window, along with one’s perception of what is occurring.

What does this have to do with marriage?

At the end of the day each of us has a choice. Metaphorically, we choose to focus on (1) the radiant sunlight infiltrating the room or (2) the microscopic dust particles magnified in distorted proportion. At any time, you can decide to be the master of your destiny, rather than victim to your circumstances.

(1)   Some are quick to affirm the relevancy of dust particles because they are likened to cancerous cells eating away at the fabric of a successful marriage. They may substantiate this claim by suggesting that “little foxes [dust particles] spoil the vine” as espoused in Proverbs 2:15.

The “dust particle” paradigm has validity, as confirmed by multitudes of couples whose marriages are falling apart because they are oblivious of the need to recognize imperceptible (undetectable) issues threatening oneness in marriage.

(2)   This author chooses to redirect attention from “dust particles” to focusing on the “radiant sunlight” paradigm that accentuates the positive—eliminates the negative. However, in order for this ledger to become skewed in favor of positivism, each partner must be willing to relinquish adamant points of view to openly embrace the perceptions, perspectives, and vantage points of their significant other, as well.

“Some men see things as they are and say why – I dream things that never were and say why not.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

“Put the magnifying glass down and pick up the mirror…”

One session in Carol and my Couples’ Retreats is Perceptual Differences: The Eyes Have It.  Who is right?  Answer: Depending on through whose eyes information is filtered.  When couples face marital dilemmas, visual acuity and clarity are always available, but seldom accessed. At least, they are not accessed often enough. Why can’t one spouse or the other see it? The answer to problems usually stares us in the face. An old adage says, “If it was a snake, it would have bitten . . . it was so close!” Solutions are available for couples entangled in controversy and contentiousness. Then why can’t they be seen?

Normally all that’s required is a slight change in perspective and then everything becomes clearer and more focused. Many couples are “zooming out” when they should be “zooming in!”

Sometimes third party input comes alongside and helps readjust the vision to assure you are at the right angle to see what’s really going on in the relationship. When one hires a life coach or consultant, for example, it is not so much for the information they provide, but for the perspective they offer. New ways of looking at problems are often more important than providing solutions. Once you see things clearly, that which needs to be done becomes clearer, as well.

Don’t displace blame and target your spouse as the one who needs to see things differently. You likely think your spouse doesn’t get the picture, but your spouse also thinks you don’t get it, either. Who’s right? You’re both right, but you both can benefit from seeing marriage more clearly. Each partner can make changes to improve the situation and become more others-centered.

Couples tend to get stuck in straight-line, linear ways of thinking. We also get stuck in the way “we see things”—this is individual perception!

Before anything can be different in marriage, you have to be able to choose between “dust particles” and “radiant sunlight.” It’s probably just a slight change in perspective, but “little things make a big, big difference.”  Changed perspectives can make an enormous difference in your circumstances.

It’s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen . . .”

“Blind Men’s Perception of an Elephant” is a fable used for generations to illustrate the importance—and limitation—of perspective. In this fable, six blind men touch an elephant at different parts of the body; hence, creating differing perspectives, for they had no other way to know more.

There are many versions, with many cultural varieties, but I will offer one.

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived six blind men. Each of them was very wise. Each of them had gone to school and read lots of books in braille.

They knew so much about so many things that people would often come from miles around to get their advice. They were happy to share whatever they knew with the people who asked them thoughtful questions.

One day these six wise blind men went for a walk in the zoo. That day the zoo-keeper was worrying about all of her many troubles.

The night before she had an argument with her husband, and her children were misbehaving all day long. She had so much on her mind that she forgot to lock the gate of the elephant cage as she was leaving it.

Now, elephants are naturally very curious animals. They quickly tried to push the gate to the cage to see if it might open. To their great surprise, the gate swung freely on its hinge. Two of the more daring elephants walked over to the gate. They looked left and right, and then quietly tip-toed out of the cage.

Just at that moment the six blind men walked by. One of them heard a twig snap, and went over to find out what it was that was walking by.

“Hi there!” said the first blind man to the first elephant. “Could you please tell us the way to the zoo restaurant?” The elephant couldn’t think of anything intelligent to say, so he sort of shifted his weight from left to right to left to right.

The first blind man walked over to find out if this big silent person needed any help. Then, with a big bump, he walked right into the side of the elephant. He put out his arms to either side, but all he could feel was the big body of the elephant.

“Boy,” said the first blind man. “I think I must have walked into a wall. “The second blind man was becoming more and more curious about what was happening. He walked over to the front of the elephant and grabbed hold of the animal’s trunk.

He quickly let go and shouted, “This isn’t a wall. This is a snake! We should step back in case it’s poisonous.” The third man quickly decided to find out what was going on, and to tell his friends what they had walked into.

He walked over to the back of the elephant and touched the animal’s tail. “This is no wall, and this is no snake. You are both wrong once again. I know for sure that this is a rope.”

The fourth man sighed as he knew how stubborn his friends could be. The fourth blind man decided that someone should really get to the bottom of this thing. So he crouched down on all fours and felt around the elephant’s legs. (Luckily for the fourth man, this elephant was very tame and wouldn’t think of stepping on a human being.)

“My dear friends,” explained the fourth man. “This is no wall and this is no snake. This is no rope either. What we have here, gentlemen, is four tree trunks. That’s it. Case closed.”

The fifth blind man was not so quick to jump to conclusions. He walked up to the front of the elephant and felt the animal’s two long tusks. “It seems to me that this object is made up of two swords,” said the fifth man. “What I am holding is long and curved and sharp at the end. I am not sure what this could be, but maybe our sixth friend could help us.”

The sixth blind man scratched his head and thought and thought. He was the one who really was the wisest of all of them. He was the one who really knew what he knew, and knew what he didn’t know.

Just then the worried zoo-keeper walked by. “Hi there! How are you enjoying the zoo today?” she asked them all. “The zoo is very nice,” replied the sixth blind man. “Perhaps you could help us figure out the answer to a question that’s been puzzling us.”

“Sure thing,” said the zoo-keeper, as she firmly grabbed the elephant’s collar.

“My friends and I can’t seem to figure out what this thing in front of us is. One of us thinks it’s a wall; one thinks it’s a snake; one thinks it’s a rope, and one thinks it’s four tree trunks. How can one thing seem so different to five different people?” “Well,” said the zoo-keeper. “You are all right. This elephant seems like something different to each one of you. And the only way to know what this thing really is, is to do exactly what you have done. Only by sharing what each of you know can you possibly reach a true understanding.”

The six wise men had to agree with the wisdom of the zoo-keeper. The first five of them had been too quick to form an opinion without listening to what the others had to say. So they all went off to the zoo restaurant and had a really hearty lunch. ~ Story written by Phil Shapiro.

The moral of the story is that there may be some truth to what someone says. Sometimes we can see that truth and sometimes not, because they may have a different perspective which we may not agree to. So, rather than arguing like the blind men, we should say, “Maybe you have your reasons.” This way we don’t get in arguments. In Jainism, it is explained that truth can be stated in seven different ways. So, you can see how broad a religion can be—religions should teach tolerance towards others for their viewpoints. This allows them to live in harmony with the people of different thinking.

Sometimes problems are complicated. But usually the way we see our problem makes it more complicated than it needs to be when in fact an easier solution is just on the other side of a new perspective. ~ Mort Fertel

Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true. ~ Robert Brault

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

ray@lifefocus.org

www.lifefocus.org

AMBIVALENCE: The coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions. ~ Uncertainty or fluctuation, especially when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.

Coronation of marriage was a perfect idea whose time had come for relational fulfillment. This fulfillment was to be based on mutual support, allowing both individuals room to grow. Unfortunately, the perfect idea included the participation of imperfect people. Behaviors of husbands and wives, at times, cancel the rich mutual reward intended for the covenant relationship in marriage.

Love-Hate Relationships . . .

Love–hate relationships involve simultaneous and/or alternating emotions of love and hate.

Hugh and Kate are a classic example of the saying, “I can’t live with them and I can’t live without them.” They struggled over the years and separated on several occasions, only to find themselves back together again in short order. They understand that bitter and sweet water can’t come from the same fountain.  But, they often muse, “Why do we seem to love each other, yet hate each other at the same time?” Is it possible to love and hate at the same time?

It’s true. Couples struggling in marriage often complain, “I can’t live with them—I can’t live without them!” Some couples get locked-in to these unhealthy and destructive behavior patterns known as love-hate rela­tionships. In these relationships, they can’t seem to live apart, but their lives together are highlighted with anger, contempt, conflict, and hostility.

Ironically, this type relationship does provide a sense of security, espe­cially for the dependent-type person. “I’m miserable with them and I’m miserable without them.” Humans often reason that if they are going to be miserable, they prefer misery with someone else, rather than alone. We shutter at the thought of being alone—maybe misery really does love company.

Love-hate relationships seem to provide little happiness, care, warmth, and acceptance. If this is true, then why is it so difficult to break the destructive cycle and pattern?

Personal neediness is one reason. Partners in love-hate rela­tionships are often in need of love and support. They are striving, consciously or unconsciously, to find fulfillment in areas of personal lack. This lack, among many other reasons, may be the result of childhood neglect or abuse. Unfulfilled needs and unfinished business brought into marriage place tremendous pressure on spouses’ to make up for a lifetime of hurt and pain. At the same time an individual is demanding love and support from their mate, they are likely pushing it away when offered. They believe they are not worthy of the love they desire because it was always withheld from them. This is part of the personal neediness brought into marriage.

Some research shows that the root of love-hate relationships is neither love nor hate—rather it is self-doubt and insecurity.

Margaret Clark (Professor of Psychology, Yale University), showed that love-hate relationships are generally the product of one party’s low self-esteem. If esteem problems are present, one or the other is prone to self-criticism and doubt.  Essential features within the relationship (e.g., mood swings, approval, acceptance, etc.) influence the already fragile self-esteem. Those low in self-esteem are chronically concerned about whether or not their close relationship partners will or will not accept them. In good times, those low in self-esteem tend to idealize partners, rendering those partners safe for approach and likely to reflect positively upon them. At the first sign of a partner not being perfect, however, they switch to focusing on all possible negatives about the partner so as to justify withdrawing from that partner and not risking vulnerability. Couples in love-hate relationships are caught up in their inability to show their own neediness, and also withhold their own caring for fear of being too exposed.

With no inner compass to guide, the relationship rules not only the heart, but the mind as well. When one learns to love self, one can learn how to love someone else and find a healthy, strong relationship that is reliable.

There’s hope at the grass-roots . . .

Couples usually retain a trace of passion for each other (if not deep-love) or some level of commitment, but often intimacy is completely lost in the relationship. Some marriage specialists contend that hate is not the opposite of love . . . pointing out that apathy is the opposite of love!  They propose that hate is actually close to love. To hate someone, you have to care about them, but when you don’t care about them (apathy, indifference) . . . that’s the opposite of love. Hate, then, is possibly a sign of hope, because it means you care. It means you’re close. Apathy, on the other hand, is cause for great concern.

Like love, hate is often seemingly irrational and can lead individuals to heroic and evil deeds. How can two opposite sentiments lead to the same behavior?

Since husbands and wives aren’t perfect, it is reasonable to conclude that no marriage is perfect. Frustrations and disappointments naturally arise in the course of long-term relationships. Relationships go through stages of negligence, coolness, and disinterest. Couples have areas of disagreement . . . even in successful marriages. No two people are perfectly compatible. Differences are like intermittent headaches or chronic lower back pains . . . they’re part and parcel of every good marriage. Disap­pointment with each other on some occasions is expected, but it can be opportunity for growth. It will always be present, but can strengthen the marriage, if handled properly.

Solution . . .

In love-hate relationships, focus should be on changing yourself, not on changing the relationship. First, change yourself and then see if the relationship survives. If the relationship is meant to survive, then it will. If not, you will be a better person for having made the change. When you give more to a relationship, then you are ultimately going to be the biggest winner of all. Couples often comment: “My mate is always a taker. They never give anything.” Yet, love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and purify and soften the giver’s heart. Your labor will not go unrewarded, if you faint not.

Little adjustments make a big, big difference. The following adjustments facilitate changing ambivalent relationships to ones which are happy and fulfilling:

THINK MORE POSITIVELY OF YOUR SPOUSE: It will reflect well for them that you do this, and you will receive the same, in time. Share more of life’s experiences and pleasures together. Remember that the more memories you make, the better the relationship or marriage will turn out in the long run. There is nothing better that reminiscing of a wonderful past experience that was once shared together.

STOP CRITICIZING EACH OTHER: Accept that you both have faults; therefore, issues can be dealt with accordingly, in the absence of “he or she versus me.”

SELF-CONTROL: Anger response patterns do much harm, so they need to be changed.

FORGIVENESS: Forgive each other, especially for things that are irrelevant. Put the past behind you, as to not hold any grudges.

HUMILITY: Learn to take responsibility for your part. Be willing to say, “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.”

TRUST: Giving and receiving are based on trust. Some partners need to be better givers—others need to be better receivers.

UNDERSTAND­ING: You are not enemies. See your spouse as a person with needs, wants, and hurts. If we respond to everyone as if they are hurting, the majority of the time, this response will be the correct one. Understand that deep down, they love and are not intentionally hurting you.

SENSITIVITY: Learn that your mate does have hurts and that your sensitivity will assure them you don’t want to add to their fear of additional hurt and pain.

RISK-TAKING: Be honest and open. Be willing to risk sharing your inner feelings and this might encourage your partner to do likewise.

POSITIVE-RE­GARD: Esteem your partner and show respect to them as a person of worth. Assume the best about them (rather than the worse) and work to see things from their point of view.

Stop being mean, bad-tempered, and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. ~ Ephesians 4:31

Be patient and you will finally win, for a soft tongue can break hard bones. ~ Proverbs 25:15

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

www.lifefocus.org

ray@lifefocus.org

626.888.LIFE (5433)