While grief is fresh, every attempt to divert only irritates. You must wait till it is digested and then amusement will dissipate the remains of it. ~ Samuel Johnson ~

God will wipe every tear from your eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. ~ Revelation 21:4

Robert lost a son Chip, who just graduated from college, in a tragic automobile accident. Chip was returning from an outing when hit head-on by a drunk driver.  Robert showed normal grief during the memorial service a year ago, but since has shown little emotion. Robert adored his son, but it seems others have grieved more than him—he only talks about Chip in a factual and non-personal way. However, side effects confirm that all is not well with Robert. He has experienced physical problems requiring many visits to the doctor, while being admitted to the hospital twice in recent months. Family members note that he has aged notably.  He is avoiding everyone, including his wife. Others’ are worried, knowing that holding in too much grief is taking a toll on Robert.

There is nothing more devastating than the death of a child—accordingly, it is normal to feel intense pain. Parents expect to die long before their children, and they struggle to find purpose and reason for the untimely death of their child. Children are families’ link to the future. By the time a child has reached young adulthood, parents are normally at the life stage of pouring into their offspring, through a process Psychologist Erik Ericson named generativity versus self-absorption and stagnation.

Erikson observed that middle-age is when we tend to be occupied with creative and meaningful work and with issues surrounding our family. The significant task is to perpetuate culture and transmit values of the culture through the family and working to establish a stable environment. Strength comes through care of others and production of something that contributes to the betterment of society.

This helps assure that family dreams remain intact. Parents’ fulfillment in life is often heavily invested in their children. The loss of a child aborts this investment prematurely and is a monumental loss that is never forgotten.

It is not uncommon for couples to have marital problems following the loss of a child, even an adult child.  Rather than pulling together, they distance from the pain and from each other. They may misunderstand each other’s way of grieving. One or the other may be denying, stuffing, and/or suppressing grief; therefore, the one dealing with grief in this mode finds it difficult to help the other who is showing outward signs of sadness, mourning, and grief.

Grief is a normal reaction to a significant loss and it cannot be resolved in just weeks or months. Grief is a process, not a one-time event. Grievers must allow themselves to feel the intensity of the grief from time-to-time, in spite of the agony and emotional pain it induces. Sometimes it takes years—one to three years or more. This does not mean grieving 24/7, because sad times come-and-go. Special times throughout the year, such as anniversaries and holidays, are especially difficult.

Allowance for personal grief is vital in order for the pain to progressively lessen. Grieving gives Robert permission to experience the loss, while ultimately allowing him to release Chip to eternal rest. Grieving may include heavy crying and deep sobbing—tears can be thought of as a releasing and cleansing process. Each time Robert gives free expression to grief, he is closer to working through the loss.

One must grieve in order to heal . . .

Robert is slowing the healing process through feeling he has to “be strong,” rather than allowing feelings to surface. Research supports the notion that “denying the impact of loss sets one up for illnesses in the future.” Apparently, this is happening to Robert. His physical distress is revealed through insomnia, nightmares, loss of appetite, nausea, indigestion, heart palpitations, and loss of energy.

People respond to this intense pain differently. It can involve overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and helplessness, or withdrawal, isolation, and silence. In my book Marriage Made in Heaven: Lived on Chaotic Planet Earth, a chapter is included titled, “Valley of the Shadow of Death.” A portion of this chapter is, as follows:

People handle grief and mourning differently—exhibiting and processing emotions with different mannerisms. Some are outward and demonstrative—everyone knows it. Others are inward and passive—no one knows it. Raymond’s grief approximated the latter, inward and passive, no one knowing, except Carol. She knew but was denied the access key to unlock his pain. Carol was capable of unlocking the pain where Raymond would have free expression of emotion and subsequent healing of emotional wounds. Over time, her sense of helplessness increased with each subsequent rebuff.

Outwardly, Raymond appeared to handle the devastating loss of family members without difficulty. After shaking self from the initial shock of the fiery crash, there were minimal tears and limited outward show of emotion. During the memorial service, he was stoic and tight-jawed, portraying the picture of one who was under control and unfazed by tragedy. Carol tried for months to find point-of-entry, but Raymond remained closed. She knew there was more than the superficial demonstration of well-being portrayed to the outside world.

Grief was not conspicuous, but intense pain was internalized. Denial of grief continued month after month, while inner pain developed a destructive “life of its own”—namely, inner emotional impoverishment.

Appropriate handling of grief and loss includes a spiritual dimension which Raymond failed to master, beforehand. The spiritual (inner) person was controlled by the natural (outer) person. With this type individual, the more a person is burdened within, the colder they become without. He or she longs to speak, but cannot express themselves. The root cause is the outer (physical) has preeminence and subdues the inner (spiritual). The outward does not obey the dictates of the inward; thus,

inwardly crying, but outwardly unmoved.

inwardly suffering, but outwardly untouched.

full of thoughts within, but without, the mind is blank.

Spirit was thwarted in accessing avenues to pierce the outer shell. Raymond needed an epiphany where the outward person allowed rigidity to be softened—the impenetrable becoming permeable. If and when this happened, there would be an end to:

outward activity with inward lifelessness.

inward crying with outward composure.

abundance of inner thoughts for which there is no utterance.

If permission is given for this outer shell to be sensitized, through enlightenment of Spirit, joy or sorrow can be expressed as is inwardly dictated. The infusion of Spirit makes it possible for one to abide increasingly with peace and joy that surpasses understanding because of the harmonious synchronization of outer and inner.

With the breaking of the outward person, Spirit begins to flow and is ever open to others. ~ Watchman Nee

The shift . . .

Rigors of a doctoral program, along with the myriad of accompanying pressure points, emerged as facilitators of a long-awaited epiphany—even though the epiphany was expected with more pomp and pageantry. However, it was instrumental in penetrating the hard, crusty outer shell, allowing internalized pain to surface. It enabled Raymond to come to grips with grief and loss. Tears streamed down his face for no apparent reason while resting passively in the comforts of the recliner. At other times, Carol awakened him when grieving deeply in sleep. Grief came through deep-seated groaning—sometimes it came through crying in sleep. These paradoxical episodes confirmed to Carol that loss of significant others’ affected Raymond deeply—a sense of connectedness reappeared for her. This was a revolutionary shift for Raymond, for it modeled the value of catharsis and appropriate expression of embedded grief. Tentacles and shackles of entrenched grief were arrested and the victimized soul found freedom of expression after a decade of imprisonment.

Spouse, family, and close friends can help the one in deep grieving complete the process:

SHARE YOUR PAIN: Share your own pain. Share with the Griever about your own sense of loss. It’s important for him or her to see your tears. As those close to the Griever open up, it may cause them to be free to express feelings, as well.

ENCOURAGE VISITS TO THE CEMETERY: Encourage Grievers to go with family members to the grave site or place of internment. They can process grief together there.  If the Griever has resisted going to the cemetery, gently urge them to go.

ENCOURAGE TO TALK: Encourage the Griever to talk about the deceased. Reviewing photo albums together will help at this stage. Be a good listener but also share things you remember about the deceased.

RECOGNIZE SPECIAL DAYS: Talking about the deceased should not be avoided on holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays. Special occasions are often painful for years after a loss. Talking about happy memories, rather than avoiding the subject, will help melt the Griever’s mask—it is a mask of no emotions.

UNDERSTAND DISTANCING FROM OTHERS: Understand the Griever’s coolness and distance from others, including spouse. Griever’s cope in their own way. Only they can decide to face inner pain—grieving takes many forms.

Consider These Questions:

How have you handled the deaths of family members and close friends? Have you released them or are you still holding on to them? Trying to keep them alive? This places your life at a standstill and does not allow you to move forward.

When you go through stages of grief, do you shut out those who love you the most and those who want to be there for you in your moment of despair? There is strength in the power of two: ”If two shall agree on earth as touching anything they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my father who is in heaven.” ~ Matthew 18:19

“For God . . . gives the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the ones who do right and for the ones who do wrong” ~ Matthew 5:45. My parents and sister died a horrendous and tragic death. Why(?) was the glaring question occupying our thoughts for months. The tragedy gave new meaning to the philosophical question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” How do you respond to misfortune when you feel like you have lived up to your end of the bargain. In other words, you’ve loved God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul and your strength. Is this your payback?  Is this your reward?

Are you one who processes grief outwardly or inwardly? Whatever the mode of grieving, it is important to express to others what is going on in your life and to help them understand your individual way of processing loss.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identifies the stages of death and dying: (a) denial and isolation; (b) anger turned outward and then inward; (c) bargaining with God, hoping for divine favor; (d) depression; and, (e) acceptance. Can you identify with these stages in the death and dying process of those closest to you? How were you ultimately brought you to a plane of rest? Or is this an area that you still need help?

THE END

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

www.lifefocus.org

ray@lifefocus.org

A chameleon [kuh-mee-lee-uh n, -meel-yuh n] is able to change its skin color quickly. This lizard may be green, yellow, or white one minute, and brown or black the next. Chameleons also may become spotted. The chameleon’s color is controlled by body chemicals called hormones. Many people believe chameleons change color to blend with their surroundings in order to hide from predators. This, however, is not true. Chameleons actually change their color depending on the air temperature or the amount of light (their environment) and quite often the animal changes color because of its mood.

“Human chameleons” or my other term “Hybrid Chameleons” change colors depending on the environment/venue they frequent, the individual or group of people with which they currently identify, or the opinion/ideology espoused by those with whom they interact. I once worked with a prominent colleague who took on the infamous title of “Neale the Camille,” because of his tendency to change colors dependent on with whom he was conversing. His color changed, even when it was inconsistent with the value system he privately advocated. He aligned closely with Groucho Marx’s quote:

“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them … well, I have others.”

Human chameleons generally accomplish goals, but in the process, they lose credibility from those who place value on integrity, genuineness, and authenticity. They are frequently viewed as people of duplicity, two-facedness, and hypocrisy. Spiritually enlightened people strive for integrity more than money, prestige, and power. At its root, integrity means unity or wholeness. An integer is a whole number—one that isn’t divided into fractions. It is complete and intact. People of integrity are unified—not divided. They don’t say one thing, yet act in a different manner. They are at peace within and exhibit serenity without.

Integration is to blend all ingredients. People of integrity are whole—not lacking any ingredient. They have the boldness to try and the passion to comfort, along with the patience to wait and the persistence to endure.

People of integrity know that honor is more than honesty. They realize that honor is not only doing what one is legally obligated to do, but also what one is morally required to do. Thus, the person of integrity has a highly developed conscience and listens to it. They have the courage to act on convictions. People of integrity are obedient to the unenforceable. No one forces them to choose a code of conduct that is a cut above the norm—it is done without prompting. No one forces the person of integrity to obey the conscience—they do it anyway. No once forces love for God—it comes without coercion.

People often become self-righteous when judging others, especially when others’ failures are exposed. Those inclined to criticize and judge often live questionable lives in other areas—and that is only the public side of them. Publicly, they appear without flaw, but privately it is a quite different picture. They walk the “tight rope of grace” and test the boundaries of mercy.

When asked what’s absolutely essential for executive success, most leaders answer integrity. Although people generally agree that integrity is worthwhile and admirable, most actually have only a vague notion of what it is. Integrity adheres to spiritual and moral values, compelling one to practice what they claim to believe in.

Consistency of belief, words, and actions is called concentricity, meaning having a common center. Picture two circles, one representing what you believe in and what you say and the other representing what you actually do. When these two circles are nearly concentric or almost perfectly aligned, you’re adhering to spiritual and moral values, which is integrity. When the two circles begin pulling apart, your integrity is slipping. If they separate, you’ll find yourself looking in the mirror with self-disdain, self-dislike and self-disrespect.

We’re all human, and therefore imperfect, so the two circles are never 100% concentric. That’s precisely why we have to work at concentricity every day of our lives. Temptations to pull the two circles apart are everywhere.

The approach to ethical decisions is summed up with this rule: “The surest way to get good results in life is to live every moment as though the whole world is watching.” If you don’t want people to find out about what you are doing, then don’t do it! If you live the same kind of life in private that you live in the company of others, your actions become consistent through the force of habit.

My friend, the late Dr. Richard W. Dortch, recounted four areas of unsavory integrity he often grappled with in his book Integrity: How I Lost It and My Journey Back. This preceded embarking on the return journey to wholeness and integrity:

1. arrogant integrity (I’m above reproach);
2. selective integrity (we do something wrong because the ends justify the means ~ situational ethics);
3. judgmental integrity (being overly judgmental because we feel guilty over our own lack of integrity);
4. consensual integrity (not speaking up when we know we should, consenting to the wrong being done by simply being silent on it).

 Another way of viewing integrity is in this manner:

Visualize a panel of glass. It has integrity because it is the same from both sides. Our lives are likened to a glass panel and if we have integrity, clearness and clarity are the same from both sides—one side the Public Persona and the other side the Private Person. Carl Jung defined public persona as “the mask or façade presented to satisfy the demands of the situation or the environment and not representing the inner personality of the individual.” When public side is congruent (consistent) with private side, integrity exists. When incongruence is present, duplicity (double standard) prevails and it becomes an issue of compromised integrity.

How do we maintain integrity? Even the bright minds in the world have principles to assure the practice of integrity. A world renowned ethicist and moralist was called upon by huge corporations, along with leaders of nations needing consultation concerning matters of integrity. He was once asked the question, “How do you know if something is right or wrong?” His answer was simple but profound. He responded (1) “Is it legal?” and then (2) “What would Phyllis [his wife] think?” In other words, it might be legal but if it doesn’t pass muster with Phyllis, it is questionable. Saint Paul the Apostle said “all things may be legal but not all things are expedient.”

What is percolating in the privacy of your mind or transpiring behind closed doors? What thoughts are you entertaining that you wouldn’t want those closest to you to know?

CONCLUSION:

Colossians 3:15 states simply “. . . let the PEACE of God RULE . . .” Rule, in the most rudimentary form, means to seize control, jurisdiction, or grasp with possessiveness. But the guiding definition of rule in this situation means to maintain or to umpire. Remember, people of integrity are at peace within and exhibit serenity without. People who experience oneness with God, others, and self allow “peace that passes human understanding” to umpire when faced with moral and ethical dilemmas a.k.a. integrity. Thus, work at concentricity. Clarify your moral code and reflect that code in your daily lives. When this is practiced, you are genuinely viewed as a woman or man of integrity.

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

ray@lifefocus.org

www.lifefocus.org

LIFE FOCUS WELLNESS CENTER is now open to provide Individual, Couples, and Group Therapy for clients in the Greater Metro Denver area, as well as clients flying into Denver International Airport from other destinations. Dr. Raymond E. Meadors, Licensed Psychologist and Carol A. Meadors, M.A., Licensed Professional Counselor draw from the training and experience of 40 years in marriage and as many years in the field of mental health, along with authoring numerous volumes of personal and relational enhancement resources. The Meadors’ provide proven techniques for achieving desired positive outcomes, regardless of the challenge or dilemma faced. Psychological Evaluations and Juvenile Offense Specific Evaluations are also available. You may contact Life Focus Wellness Center via phone @ 626.888.LIFE (5433), e-mail @ info@lifefocus.org, mail @ POB 17071, Denver, CO 80217, or Facebook Message @ Carol-Ray Meadors.

Dr. Raymond and Carol, at times during the most sobering and serious moments of training, ask Marriage Seminar attendees to participate in a visualization exercise. The narrative goes as follows:

Get into a comfortable position—sitting in your chair, sitting on the floor, lying down, standing up—it doesn’t matter.  Now close your eyes and relax. You are getting ready to go on an imaginary transoceanic trip to Europe. Your spouse is not with you. You are traveling alone. Plans are for them to meet you in Europe in two days.

You arrive at the airport, report to the ticketing counter for the checking of luggage and the issuing of boarding pass. Your sweetheart walks you to the security check-point before you proceed to Concourse E to board the wide-bodied jet. You wish you could travel together, but because of circumstances beyond your control, they cannot join you for another two days. However, you plan to take advantage of this short separation, because it gives you time to orchestrate a romantic environment for their arrival two days hence. The excitement is building for the reunion in 48 hours and both of you are anticipating the most exciting and romantic trip of a lifetime. This is really a dream come true.

You now enter the cabin, find assigned seat, store carry-on baggage in the overhead compartment, buckle seat belt, and prepare for departure. The take-off is smooth and before you know it, the plane is 39,000 feet in the air as it thrusts out over the Atlantic Ocean. You have six hours to settle in before touching down in Paris, France.

Three hours into the flight, silence in the cabin is breached by the captain’s voice over the intercom. You realize immediately that something is drastically wrong. Even though the captain tries nobly to sound reassuring, the grim news is a “nightmare come true” for anyone who has ever flown. THIS PLANE IS NOT GOING TO STAY AIRBORNE!

The captain informs the passengers that a fatal discovery was made in relation to the fuel gauge on the instrument panel. A dreaded computer glitch occurred in plotting the amount of jet fuel projected for the trans-Atlantic flight.

Terror grips the hearts of every passenger, including you. The captain continues, “Ladies and gentlemen, there is only enough fuel left to keep this plane flying for thirty more minutes. We are three hours into our flight, three hours from our destination, and only thirty minutes of fuel remaining. There is no hope for arriving at mainland Europe and we are more than three hours away from the nearest landmass for an emergency landing.

The phenomenon of life flashing before you is now a reality. Your mind immediately focuses on the ‘love of life’ you left three hours prior at the airport. The stark reality that you will not see him/her again grips your heart with penetrating pain. This can’t be happening. There is too much life yet to live. There are too many things left undone, not to speak of things left unsaid. This trip was planned, in part, to correct marital missteps and to lavish the relationship with the honor it deserves.

There are so many things I wanted to say, but I kept putting them off. I wanted to say how sorry I was for hurting him/her, but pride stood in the way. I should’ve asked forgiveness for the unkind remark, but I thought, “Oh, well, s/he will get over it.” I wanted to share my dreams and deep-heart, but my discomfort in expressing feelings robbed me of this pleasure. I said things that should have gone unsaid, but I wanted to prove my point and have the last word. I didn’t say affirming things they needed to hear. I planned to buy a special gift, but procrastination dictated. “Oh, Lord, if I had one more chance.”

The captain informs everyone that it is time to make final preparations. There are only twenty more minutes before the plane runs out of fuel and plummets into the ocean. You are told there is a capsule on board similar to the “black box” that is capable of holding notes and letters to be delivered to surviving spouses, family members, or friends.

You have less than twenty minutes to write a letter to your spouse and to say the things that need to be communicated.

What do you need to say? Have you withheld, “I love you’s?” Do they know how important they are to you? Tell them how much they mean to you and how destitute you would feel if they were no longer a part of your life. Have you demonstrated the fruit of Spirit to your spouse? Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control? Think of the things you hoped you could’ve done together.

Well, you asked for a second chance and your request is granted. Now is the time to commit to things you should be doing; to say affirming things that need to be said.

You have three options: You can actually take the time now (1) to write this letter, (2) to share your feelings verbally, or (3) both.

Share with your mate things you can do to make the relationship better.

While conducting a Marriage Seminar in Salt Lake City, a woman came to Dr. Meadors after this session and said, “Boy, I should have never gone to Europe, but I’m glad I did!.” The exercise was quite an emotional experience, but it also broke communicational barriers that existed between husband and her for many years.

God grants second chances, third, and whatever it takes!

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Colorado Licensed Psychologist

www.lifefocus.org

ray@lifefocus.org

SUCCESS-FOCUSED LIVING: Unleashing the miracles within!” . . . is a didactic (teaching) and interactive webinar appropriate for anyone who is interested in personal growth. It promotes creativity, confidence, courage, responsibility and inspired sense of focus—qualities identified by most as what defines success. Then to assure success in all these areas, obstacles – such as false-beliefs and negative emotions, that have kept you from fulfillment, will be identified and dissolved. In the process, the innate miracles that each person possesses comes into clear focus, giving life an inspirational push forward! Through participation in Success Focused Living, you leave having a clear perspective on your vision and goals with an equally clear understanding of how to move forward with inspiration being the impetus – not just necessity!

“It is never too early or too late to create a wonderful present and future!”  Carol Meadors

SUCCESS-FOCUSED LIVING webinar is meant for groups of six people or more. If you would like to be a part of the next webinar or would like to host this webinar for your group – or for more information, please contact Carol Meadors, M.A., LPC at Seminars@lifefocus.org

LIFE FOCUS ON ‘GRIEF AND LOSS’

Grief is the feeling of reaching out for someone who has always been there, only to find when we need them one more time, they are no longer there.

Unresolved grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative. While time dulls the pain, time does not, in itself, complete what is emotionally unfinished between us and people who died, and others from whom we are estranged. Undelivered communications of an emotional nature are the cornerstone of what can turn into unresolved grief, if not dealt with effectively.

In the webinar LIFE FOCUS ON GRIEF AND LOSS, you will have the opportunity to:

• Complete what is emotionally unfinished between you and the person or people whom you are grieving. Undelivered communications range from positive to negative, but all come under the heading of things we wish we said or did in a different or better way, as well as things we wish the other person might have said or done in a different or better way.
• Help you face the painful reality of adapting to life on this planet without one of the people who was always there. When everyone grieves in his or her own way and pace, it refers to this idea of adaptation. When people talk about time being a factor in healing, they allude to the need to acquire new habits of existing with a new and altered reality – an unwelcome one, at that.
• Complete exercises intended to help you “grieve and complete” relationships that ended or changed – or in some cases, never existed.

Many years ago Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book entitled On Death and Dying. The book identified five stages a dying person goes through when told they have a terminal illness. These stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For many years, in the absence of any other helpful material, well-meaning people incorrectly assigned these same stages to the grief that follows death or loss. Although a griever may experience some or all of these feeling stages, it is not a correct or helpful basis for dealing with the conflicting feelings caused by loss.

“I hesitate to name ‘stages for grief.’ It is my experience that, given ideas on how to respond, grievers cater their feelings to the ideas presented to them. After all, a griever is often in a suggestible condition—dazed, numb, and walking in quicksand. Grievers often hear the suggestion they are in denial. In all of my years of experience working with grievers, I rarely met anyone in denial that loss occurred. They say, ‘Since my Mom died, I’ve had a hard time.’ There is no denial in this comment. LIFE FOCUS ON GRIEF AND LOSS proposes that recovering from loss and adapting to a new reality are separate but equal. Both are happening simultaneously and it is helpful to know what they are, what they mean, and that they are normal and natural. While I believe that most people make the transition to the new reality in their own way and at their own pace, I know that better information about the emotional element of recovering from loss helps speed the time-span required for transition to take place.”  ~ Carol Meadors, Creator and Presenter of “Life Focus on Grief and Loss”

The Life Focus on Grief and Loss webinar is meant for groups of six people or more. If you would like to be a part of the next webinar or would like to host this webinar for your group, or family – or for more information, please contact Carol Meadors, M.A., LPC at Seminars@lifefocus.org

HEALTH, HEALING, AND HABITS OF A HEALTHY BRAIN

In this four-five hour webinar, you will learn and immediately begin to practice the personal enhancement side of being healthy. We take a look at what affects health other than what we eat. The mind-body connection is scientifically proven. Your body reflects what you are thinking and feeling just as much as diet and activity level does. Habits of faulty thinking patterns, unresolved emotional issues, and “lazy brain” habits, all play a part in our overall wellness. Strangely enough, it does not require much shifting, once you understand and know how, to begin creating a betterlife!

Learn methods to activate the brain’s healing abilities.

Learn how to reframe your thoughts and self-talk.

Explore the significance of your “personal story.”

Explore the Neuroscience of mindfulness in easy-to-understand terms.

Learn the habits of a highly effective brain.

Practical and simple steps for releasing emotional stress.

The Health, Healing, and Habits of a Healthy Brain webinar is meant for groups of six people or more. If you would like to be a part of the next webinar or would like to host this webinar for your group – or for more information, please contact Carol Meadors, M.A., LPC at Seminars@lifefocus.org

BREAKING THE HABITS OF WORRY AND OBSESSION

Life is not meant to be complicated. Unfortunately, we are programmed to think that change has to be complicated.  And if not complicated, then painful – like the well-known adage, “No pain, no gain.” This is just not true.

Research tells us the simplest solutions to common personal issues are the most effective. The difference – how seriously the person is to address the issue. BREAKING THE HABITS OF WORRY AND OBSESSION only takes four hours of your busy life to change your life!

If you are ready to focus on practical shifts to move you away from non-productive habits, you will learn:

• How to identify and adjust the many areas in which your habits are serving a
  “need.”
• To take an up-close and defining look at what your habits are costing.
• How Neuroscience plays a part in breaking habits.
• The role self-talk has in perpetuating ill-serving habits.
• Specific and easy exercises to solidify your new mindset.

BREAKING THE HABITS OF WORRY AND OBSESSION webinar is meant for groups of six people or more. If you would like to be a part of the next webinar or would like to host this webinar for your group – or for more information, please contact Carol Meadors, M.A., LPC at Seminars@lifefocus.org

*Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental health diagnosis. The material in this webinar while helping with obsessions, does not claim to therapeutically treat OCD. If you are diagnosed with OCD, Life Focus recommends that you seek the help of a mental health professional for the regular treatment regimen they prescribe.

Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. ~ Galatians 5:26 ~

Beware of envy, for envy consumes good works as fire consumes wood. ~ Muhammad ~

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. ~ Proverbs 14:30

But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.  For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and every evil practice. ~ James 3:14

Edward constantly compares what he has to the possessions of other people.  It is easy for him to find others, even close friends, who have better jobs and more money.  He often becomes bitter and envies the good fortune of other people.  Recently, someone quoted a scripture to him that jolted his thinking:  “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” ~ Philippians 4:11

Envy, which is negative, can be changed to become a positive.  If handled properly, it can motivate us to strive toward our own true goals.  Envy is defined as a painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another person.  Usually a desire to possess the same advantage is included.

When another person has a possession or status we don’t have, it often results in making comparisons between them and us.  The outcome of this comparison will either be bitterness, “it’s just not fair,” or a feeling that we are not good enough to be so fortunate.  Low self‑esteem is the product of this type of thinking.

Envy has a tremendous effect on us.  It nearly always includes an intense negative feeling.  We often hear the expression, “green with envy.”  Envy can actually dominate the “envier’s” life, and could eventually result in regretful actions.  Crimes of passion are often the end result of consuming envy.  In the Bible, Cain was consumed with envy when he lost self‑control and took the life of his brother, Abel.

For jealousy arouses a [person's] fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.  ~ Proverbs 6:34

This scripture actually relates to a husband who is consumed with jealousy and envy.  He is described as a man who will not rest until revenge has been executed.

Where does envy originate?

(1)   PRIDE AND A SELF‑SERVING MOTIVE:  Pride can produce envy.  If we think we are superior, we cannot accept the fact that someone else is more successful.  If envy is based on pride or a self‑serving motive, it will lead to an unpleasant conclusion.  For example, a person can be so driven by selfish ambition, they move up each rung of the ladder at any cost.  It does not matter who is stepped on or stepped over to get there.  However, once arriving at the top, they quickly realize it does not bring the satisfaction and fulfillment first sought.

A startling discovery is often made:  The ladder was propped against the wrong wall.  They often reply, “When I got to where I thought I wanted to be, where I was looked so good, I wonder why I ever left.”  There is much more to life than wanting to gain recognition, fame, and power.  If these are the motives, it is easy to become envious of those who have achieved more than us.

(2)    CULTURE’S INFLUENCE ON ENVY:  Culture has done a lot to feed the destructive growth of envy.  Often, personal values are based on how well we compare to others.  How much better or how much worse are we than others?  Can we fare better than others in gaining a competitive edge?  If we are better, the rewards of success are promised to be material worth, fame, and personal glory.

NOTE:  The spirit of envy which causes us to attempt to outdo others is almost always done without enjoyment and without happiness.

(3)    PARENT AND TEACHER INFLUENCE ON ENVY:  Parents unwittingly support the emergence of envy through comparing one sibling to another.  “Why can’t you be well‑behaved like your older brother?”  “Why can’t you make the honor roll like your sister?”  Teachers add to the problem by comparing one classmate to another.  “Why can’t the red bird group be as pleasant to work with as the blue bird group?”

(4)   LOW OPINION AND EVALUATION OF SELF:  Sometimes envy comes from a sense of inferiority.  Most people who envy don’t have a positive view of themselves.  Others’ may be succeeding in life, but their success does not mean that they are better.  Envy must not be interpreted to mean that we lack the skill, talent, and ability to achieve in life.  Maybe someone else is more successful because they were more committed to their goals.  Or they have worked harder to get the things that eluded us.  This has nothing to do with significance and worth.

 To overcome envy, Edward should ask of self the following questions:

(1)   What is the basis of my self‑worth?  Is it based on wealth, status, and power?  Is it based on recognition from others?  Or is my worth based on the type person I was designed to be? Are you striving to please man or God?

For am I seeking the favor of men, or of God?  Or am I striving to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond‑servant of God. ~ Galatians 1:10

(2)   Can I accept that people have different callings?  Different gifts?  Different talents and abilities?  We are all unique, and if we are created according to a design and purpose, then we don’t need to envy what God has entrusted to others.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made . . . God’s works are wonderful, I know that full well.  ~ Psalm 139:14

(3)   Does my envy find roots in childhood experiences?  Did I feel deprived of the love, affection, and acceptance I needed from others?

My God will liberally supply (fill to the full) you everything you need according to his glorious riches. ~ Philippians 4:19

(4)   Do I have an attitude of gratitude, knowing that my attitude affects my altitude?  Am I able to look at those around who are less fortunate, and to be thankful for what I have?

In everything thing give thanks for this is the will of God  . . . ~ I Thessalonians 5:18

BOTTOM LINE: A show of envy is an insult to yourself! Don’t envy another man’s life as you stand waste deep in a sea of forgotten blessings.

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

www.lifefocus.org

PARABLE: a short allegorical story (figurative treatment of one subject under the guise of another) that conveys a meaning by the use of comparison or analogy—it makes a religious, moral, or ethical point.

When was the last time you were asked to consider this comparative question? Are you a hedgehog or a fox? Probably never! However, it’s an important question to answer because the hedgehog and fox characterize the dilemmas, challenges, and problems that recur frequently in marriage relationships.

British philosopher Isaiah Berlin wrote an essay The Hedgehog and the Fox, which was based on an ancient Greek parable. The itle is a reference to a fragment attributed to an ancient Greek poet: “the ox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing.” Berlin escribed how different people approach problems differently. While Berlin expanded upon the idea to divide writers and thinkers into two categories, I invoke “literary privilege” to apply it to other areas, especially marriage. Some marriage partners are like foxes—they know many things, thus reacting to marital issues with different strategies and different solutions. Others’ are like hedgehogs—they know one simple but powerful response to threats. This “one simple but powerful response” is soon to be revealed in this BLOG.

Foxes are clever animals and concoct numerous schemes for attacking hedgehogs. Every day foxes have one brilliant scheme after another to conquer their prey.

However, even though hedgehogs are among the slowest of creatures, their defense is the same, no matter the multiplicity of ways foxes attack. Every day a single fox anticipates subduing and conquering the hedgehog. But every day, no matter what the fox’s manner of approach, no matter from what angle he strikes, and no matter the time of day, as soon as the hedgehog discerns an impending attach, she is quite amused, but non-threatened by the fox’s cleverness. Hedgehogs proceed to roll up into a tiny ball, while protruding sharp spikes, thus spoiling the fox’s best conceived plans.  The fox, for all his cunning, is defeated by the hedgehog’s one defense. The hedgehog’s “trick” is superior to the fox’s many tricks.

Are you a fox?

Berlin explained that some people (foxes) see the world in all its snafus [pronounced sna-foo: Snafu started life as an acronym of “situation normal, all fouled up.”] and entanglements. Their approach changes constantly depending on the circumstances, but they seldom develop a consistent approach that is tried, tested, and proven.

Are you a hedgehog?

Other people (hedgehogs) reduce the complexities of life into one assumption—one basic idea that is consistent and one that determines their responses to challenges, regardless of the ‘highs and lows’ that accompany marriage or community living. Hedgehogs are not short-changed when it comes to mental acuteness, for their understanding of the world is simple but profound. In other words, they’re able to identify the most fundamental components for longevity—thus, hedgehogs are simple but not simplistic.

TAKE-HOME LESSON FOR MARRIAGE

Couples face dilemmas, challenges, and problems in marriage, but there’s no need for a unique or exclusive solution for each new problem that surfaces. Maybe the greatest solution is to think like a hedgehog and not a fox—for a hedgehog, the solution is always the same.

Self-help books are enthralling with unique solutions for different problems, including a book written twenty years ago by me: Solution-focused Marriage: Practical Solutions for Marital Dilemmas. It makes for interesting reading, but unlike Alec Baldwin and Dianne Keaton’s movie It’s Complicated, it doesn’t have to be that complicated. The conclusive answer to every problem is the same ~ LOVE. Disappointed with this simplicity? But it is true! Love, not problem-solving, is the foundation of marriage and will galvanize it against assault from both without and within.  It will result in positive outcomes of epic proportions.

Remember when you fell in love? Problems were virtually non-existent because love “conquered all.” The flirtatious smiles, the furrowed lips or raised eye brows were cute and irresistible. Then the cute things became annoying. Why? Falling in love was only the beginning—it provided no assurance that the intoxicating qualities of “falling in love” would sustain ecstatic emotions once the glow of honeymoon dimmed and life confirmed that “living is not always easy.” Dr. Karl Menninger suggested that “one does not fall in love; one grows into love, and love grows in him or her.” The constant solution to dealing with marital issues is to grow into the highest level of love—agape—love unlimited. Growing into love requires developing relationship habits that slowly but surely builds unshakeable foundations for marriage.

Couples often become ensnared in the negativism of problem-solving and conflict-resolution. This isn’t cheerful and delightful and seldom does it produce happiness and joy. Maybe the compelling question in marriage is not “how do we problem solve”—it may be “how do we grow into love?” Problems may seem perplexing, but complex solutions may be simplified more than first thought.

Problem-solving, conflict-resolution, and communication-skills-building can lead to minimal changes in marriage. However, if magnanimous change is the goal, new patterns of relational habits must be implemented—especially for couples experiencing marital distress. LOVE must be fostered and cultivated in order for notable growth to occur.

Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart, and the senses. ~ Lao Tzu

Simply stated, agape love (thoroughly explored in my book Differential Views of Romance: Learning to See Eye-to-Eye ~ www.lifefocus.org) is the constant, single solution to marital dilemmas. Often when one spouse or the other says, “I just don’t love you anymore,” they are actually saying, “I love me more than I love you.” This is the antithesis (exact opposite) of agape love. Convincing arguments could be formulated that identifies all marital problems as emanating from a lack of love. If this is true, you don’t need a solution—you need more love.

Agape is a selfless, altruistic kind of love. Agape lovers are willing to make all manner of sacrifices for their partner, never expecting anything in return.  ~ Louis Janda, Ph.D.

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. ~ Karl A. Menninger

New patterns of relational habits can transform a heart that is “waxed cold” to one that is pulsating with the unforced rhythm of agape love.

Which do you identify with—the hedgehog or the fox? Maybe you identify with a little of both. Once deciding, consider if your model for addressing relational issues is working for the mutual benefit of both you and your mate. Is there something you can draw from the hedgehog style that will enhance your relationship. Look for my next BLOG that will focus on the Love Bank and explain how to grow love within your relationship. People are essentially human ATMs.  Don’t try to make withdrawals without making substantial deposits.

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

WEBSITE: www.lifefocus.org

TWITTER: lifefocusonline

BLOG: www.lifefocusonline.blogspot.com

Reportedly, odds are greater than fifty billion to one against there ever being anyone with the unique combination of gifts, talents, and abilities that you possess. Dr. Seuss said, “There is no one alive who is “YOU’er than YOU,” so always remember that you are unique—just like everyone else. No one knows the infinite achievements that you’re capable of—not even yourself.

If we did all things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves. ~ Thomas Edison

Self-confidence (belief in one’s own judgment, ability, power, etc.) minimizes the effect of setbacks and disappointments—the more self-confidence, the better. Greater self-confidence maximizes the probability of a life motivated by purpose, along with immense satisfaction and jubilation.

Greatest areas of achievement originate from areas of strength—strengths that once identified and acted upon will bring ultimate success. People who achieve the most are those who focus on identifying their strong points and committing to refine them, which in turn, increases self-confidence significantly.

“Self-confidence: The first requisite to great undertakings.” ~ Samuel Johnson

Identify what you do best—do more of it.  Identify what you do worst—stop doing it.  Honestly explore what real change will require—change that’s transformational.  In other words, exploit your strengths and starve your weaknesses. And then move courageously to make the change, while experiencing the quality of life that deep down you were meant to live!

If you are only willing to stay as you are, you can’t remain where you are.  If you choose to remain where you are, pressure to return to the “comfort zone of the masses” will drive you back to a lesser and inferior experience. Statisticians relate to this as “regression to the mean (average).”

Change is not bad; change is positive. It is better to be in a state of change than to be static and dying, with no ability to produce life. Now is the time of transition–with transition there is change.  Transition is difficult even under the best of circumstances. Sometimes there is as much stress associated with success as there is for failure.

It is often “easier to remain in the pain/discomfort of the known than to risk moving into the potential fulfillment and comfort of the unknown.” We shudder and quake at the unknown. It requires stretching and taking chances in order to obtain it. It takes courage. Courage does not mean fearlessness. Courage means moving forward in spite of fears.

“Your heart is free, have the courage to follow it.” ~ Braveheart

We are what we think about!  That which you focus on, your heart will follow.  Confucius said, “Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” Furthermore, the heart has reasons that reason does not understand. ~ Jacques Benigne Bossuel. Things you are interested in defines “who you are,” so these things of interest are the things that should be fostered and enhanced.

• Every good thought you think is contributing its share to the ultimate result of your life. ~ Grenville Kleiser
• We become what we think about the most. ~ William James
• We are shaped by our thoughts . . . we become what we think. ~ Buddha

An informative study was conducted several years ago. This study involved 1500 men and women who started out ambitious and motivated in their careers. Results found that only 83 of the 1500 became millionaires. When researchers went back and studied the attitudes and decisions of these people, a common denominator was evident among the 83 millionaires. They found that every single millionaire chose a field (career) they enjoyed. In essence, they lived their dream! They worked in a field that interested them and constantly held their attention. The conclusion of the study showed that wealth, success, and happiness seemed to occur when a person was pre-occupied doing something other than making money. The 83 millionaires never set out to make lots of money. Instead, they chose fields that they were completely passionate about. The money came after they devoted themselves to their chosen endeavor genuinely and with authenticity.

You know it when you’re not where you want to be, because nothing feels right. Discontentment, uneasiness and unhappiness are constantly present. High levels of self-confidence means living life in a manner that confronts, challenges, facilitates growth, and one that expands your borders. Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. You must make up your mind to make future decisions based on your uniqueness. You’ll never really be happy or satisfied until you can apply your unique talents toward the thing you love to do, so it is important to do what brings the most natural comfort.

Discontentment and unhappiness are indisputable signs for you to step forward and live a life bustling with empowerment, confidence, and assurance.  Once stepping out of your mundane, dull, “run-of-the-mill life” . . . and into the real life that’s uniquely you . . . you’ve arrived at a stage in life teeming with newly found self-confidence.

As I’ve (Raymond) gained more in experience and wisdom that accompanies aging, I’ve learned to listen to my heart more than my head. This is quite a paradigm shift for one who favored logical and analytical thinking over the course of life. My mind often tells me to give up, but my heart won’t let me.

The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand. ~ Robert Valett

Only do what your heart tells you. (Princess Dianna).  So, trust your heart!

Feelings are the most accurate guide to make the right choices. As you follow your heart to where it leads, courage and finally self-confidence will automatically become a part of your actions and thoughts. Most people are fearful of following true feelings. Knowledge is not the issue—it’s not that we don’t know what to do—it’s that we’re afraid to do what our hearts tell us to do. But when you take it step-by-step (baby steps, if necessary), you’ll gradually distance self from fears . . . and then self-confidence becomes “part and parcel” of life!

Acting upon these principles will result in self-confidence rising so high that all restraints will dissipate and self-limitations will no longer thwart your dreams to go “above and beyond!”

That music that you hear inside of you urging you to take risks and follow your dreams is your intuitive connection to the purpose in your heart since birth.  So listen to your heart—and don’t die with that music still in you. ~ Wayne W. Dyer

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

WEBSITE: www.lifefocus,org

TWITTER: lifefocusonline

BLOG: www.lifefocusonline.blogspot.com

Have you faced difficult times within recent months?  Are you facing difficult times at this very moment? What is meant by “difficult times?”  Well, you generally know what is meant by difficult times—however it is defined for you.

With difficult times, questions often arise:  Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? Is this my reward for right living? Thanks a lot, God! Or maybe you have asked, “Is God punishing me for some obvious (or not so obvious reason)?

Many pressures are faced in today’s world—this is an understatement.  What is it like when your world crashes?  How you respond during tough times says more about you than your extensive portfolio or the amount of money stashed away in bank accounts.  How you respond in tough times also tells something about your character.

“It’s often during life’s most difficult times that we discover our most critical hidden strengths and that we forge our most important capabilities.” ~ Keith McFarland

If facing difficult times, you are in good company.  Read Fox’s Book of Martyrs—this tells something about tough times.  There’s a long reference list of “Who’s Who” in the Bible that faced difficult times. Job is a classic example of one facing “difficult times” and he serves as a good role model.  Whether the story of Job is literal, metaphorical, or parabolic is inconsequential—the essence of the story is consequential. References in the book of Job confirm the kind of person that faces tough times. Job was likened to one who is perfect—even though you may liken yourself to be perfect, it doesn’t mean you’re immune to “troubling times.” Ask Job!

For God . . . gives the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the ones who do right and for the ones who do wrong. ~ Matthew 5:45

There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job; and that man was blameless [perfect] and upright, and one who [reverently] feared God and abstained from and shunned evil [because it was wrong]—a man of complete integrity . . . this man was the most influential of all the men of the East. ~ Job 1:1

JOB was:

(1) BLAMELESS IN CHARACTER: Character is defined as “what you are in the dark.” It is what you are when no one else is looking.  People often act one way in public (public persona), but quite another way in private (private persona)—especially if they think no one else is taking note of actions.  Job was blameless—blameless means without moral blemish.  There was nothing in life for him to hide.

When Wealth is gone, little is lost—when Health is gone, something is lost—when Character is gone, all is lost!

Job was a man of integrity.  Integrity is likened to an integer—a whole number; completeness (no fraction).  No duplicity. Job was always the same, whether in public or in private.

(2) UPRIGHT: Job was upstanding and followed the straight and narrow path to inner peace.  “But the gate is narrow (contracted by pressure) and the way is difficult and compressed that leads away to life, and few are those who find it” ~ Matthew 7:14.   Job did what was correct.   He was resolute—not deviating from righteous standards.

(3) FEARED GOD:  Job had great reverence for God, but not dread, terror, or fright. He reverenced (respect, reverential awe) God to the point of submitting even when he didn’t understand everything that was going on in his life.

“God, I trust you even though I don’t understand you!”

Job held God in high esteem.  He probably knew less about the loving nature of God than today’s astute observers of spiritual writings.  There are volumes of written works to help us understand the ways of God, but he did not have the extensive collection of works available to us today.  But, he esteemed God greatly and this is the type of person to whom tough times come.

(4) SHUNNED EVIL [WRONG DOING]:  “Shun” means to “shut off.”  If you want to turn the lights off in a room, you flip the switch—it’s the same word as “shun.”  Shun means to flip the switch on wrong-doing.  Job shut wrong-doing out of his life. There were no spiritual, moral, or legal charges against him. Allegations and accusations leveled against him were without merit—he was downright, upright.

Job lost everything in life that is important (family, relationships, reputation, wealth, and health) and he lost these things without warning—they came unannounced.  One day a messenger came to Job and SAID . . . (this started the unraveling).  ONE DAY, no one knows what day.  ONE DAY—it happened on sudden impulse.  Job didn’t anticipate it—it just happened.  ONE DAY—misfortune and adversity seldom announce their arrival!  They come when one is least expecting them. Life may be quiet, non-remarkable, and non-eventful, but tough times come unannounced and without warning.

“Just because the swamp is quiet, don’t think that the crocodiles have all left.” ~ Malay Proverb

Job lost everything without knowing WHY.  He had no idea why these things occurred.  He knew WHAT happened, but he didn’t know WHY it happened. Job questioned, “Why is this happening to me?” Tough times appear and sometimes you don’t know why they appear.

Job was no expert in trouble—he hadn’t much experience with trouble prior to the current set of mishaps. Why? Because he was the richest man in the East and down-line employees generally tended to his troubling annoyances and nuisances.

Like Job, many of you are experienced with tough times. You’ve had more than your share—you’ve earned your stripes—been there, done that, and have the tee-shirt to prove it.

SOLUTION: PROACTIVE DURING TIMES OF ADVERSITY

Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit. ~ Napoleon Hill

Tough times come and they can prove to be good for you, just as they proved to be good for Job.  While you don’t know why, tough times still come to you. But you must have faith to believe a plan is drafted that provides hope in the midst of turmoil, anguish, and despair.

I know the plans I have in mind for you, declares God; they are plans for peace [well-being, health, safety, prosperity], not disaster [calamity, catastrophe, adversity], to give you a future filled with hope. That is the final outcome. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

FAITH is the key ingredient in dealing with tough times.

Definition:  Faith is confidence in the righteous character of God. This is good, but is not complete!  Faith is confidence in the righteous character of God that fosters trust and hope, even when circumstances foster doubt and despair.

Job’s faith and the circumstances in which he found himself were mutually exclusive.  Circumstances should never neutralize your faith; thus, making it of non-effect. Faith is not in what’s happening around you—faith is in the One above you.  Faith is in the righteous character of God and it will not allow circumstances and tough times to rattle and disorient one’s godly perspective. Circumstances should never bear negatively on faith.  When troubles come, a.k.a. circumstances, don’t allow these troubles to distort your thinking about the righteous character of God.  If anything is learned from Job, it is this—he was the same before his troubles, during his troubles, and after his troubles because he had faith in God’s reliability at all times.

People who do what is right may have many problems [face many troubles], but God will solve them all. ~ Psalm 34:19

Conclusion . . .

Job was given twice as much as he had before—God literally doubled that which Job had in the beginning. In the end, Job was blessed with a new family, wealth, and long life ~ Job 42. After his trouble, Job lived in riches, and honor, and goodness, under God’s care.

Don’t focus on what you’re going through—focus on the Power within that is “STRONG ENOUGH” to outlast the daily grind!

Raymond E. Meadors, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist

WEBSITE: www.lifefocus.org

TWITTER: lifefocusonline

BLOG: www.lifefocusonline.blogspot.com